


Two Steps Forward

by randers1



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 30,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randers1/pseuds/randers1
Summary: Just an idea for what happens during the time of the last episode thru Season 8.
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 100
Kudos: 250





	1. Welcome Back Hailey

**Author's Note:**

> Multi chapters, this is just a small beginning as I work out the rust and kinks from having not written in forever.

Disclaimer: I own nothing related to these characters. No Beta. All errors are mine and mine alone. First time writing this ship so hopefully at least a B for effort. :-)

Through the clear automated doors of the baggage claim area Hailey easily picked out his familiar form as Jay stood against the black pick up idling outside. Police parking has its privileges

“Jay?!” she called out, stepping through the doorway and out in to the late Chicago afternoon. “What are you doing here?!” The grin on her face was natural and wide as she walked toward him at full force. Hailey stopped just short of him with a tilt of her head and a happy yet quizzical smile.

“Eh, y’know… " Jay replied, leaning forward off of the truck, reaching for the handle of the rolling suitcase behind her. "Ubers are such a bitch at the airport---” 

“Mm hmm” she nodded, then shook her head, a small snort of laughter escaping.

“And what with all the budget issues,…? Well, getting reimbursed is just not gonna happen.And airport parking is expensive!” He smirked and nodded toward the front of his ride.

Chuckling, Hailey hopped in the cab and buckled up while Jay swung around behind, threw her bag in the back, and then took his own seat behind the wheel. 

“Better hope your gift wasn’t breakable” she deadpanned as her eyes swung from where the bag had landed back to Jay. 

“You brought me a gift?” he asked, while pulling the car out in to traffic. Their easy back and forth picking up as if she’d never left, and her heart was warm at the thought.

“Yeah. Figured maybe I might need to buy my way back in to your good graces after leaving like---that.” She demurred easily, turning her head to watch the passing scenery. 

“What is it? What’d you get me?”

“Are you even serious right now?” she scoffed, smiling at him.

“Bigger than a breadbox? Do I have to feed it?”

Hailey sighed and rolled her eyes good naturedly “And here I was thinking how much I’d missed this.”

Jay didn’t respond right away. Just as the silence was about to become uncomfortable, he spoke. “I definitely missed this.”

Hailey was quiet, watching him, and caught his eye when he took his briefly from the road to look at her. Neither of them spoke for a moment as Hayley tried to process what he said and then what he meant. 

He broke the silence. “Heard you kicked ass out there” 

“Well—“ she began, and cleared her throat, happy that whatever that moment had been was done. “I don’t know about that….”

“Rumor is,Voight got a call yesterday asking if you were happy in Chicago….” His voice trailed off as he waggled his eyebrows at her.

Hailey met his eyes and locked on for a moment, before he looked back to the road. A beat passed. “Hm” she murmured and then turned to look out her window with a wistful smile. “I am. New York was loud and dark and busy and thrilling. But this is home. I’m not going anywhere. And besides--their pizza sucks.”

Jay snorted and smiled to himself as he reached for his sunglasses, putting them on against the glare of the sunset. 

“I still wanna know what you got me.”

Hailey rolled her eyes, laughing hard. The Chicago skyline came in to view ahead of them. Yeah. She was very happy to be here. To be home.


	2. Words mulled and spoken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conversations have to happen before anything else can. Here's how it starts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still no beta, still not mine.

He pulled up in front of her house. It was dark save for the porch light outside and the foyer light inside.

Jay sat back in his seat as he put the car in park. “No Rojas?”

“Nope,” she answered. “Not tonight. Meeting up with friends from her academy days. Something about reliving all of their crazy nights, emphasis on the all and the crazy.” The text she’d received while deplaning let Hailey know she’d have the house to herself for tonight.

Jay scowled. “Uch. I feel old.” Hailey laughed and nodded in agreement. “But really, you good with this? I mean, I know how it sounds but first night back after being gone a while, it can be weird, right? ….so--”

Hailey smiled at him. He was so good about checking her temp, making sure she was ok.

“Yeah,” she affirmed before looking back toward the front door. “I’m good, Jay. Thanks for the pick up. And for…” she stopped, not sure how to convey how grateful she was that his was the first face she saw when she came home. Her stomach had been in knots for days knowing she’d be returning to face a world of uncertainty regarding her work and her standing with Voight. And while she’d given Jay the heads up before she left, the full story about the why was one she’d kept to herself. She doubted their boss would give out more info than necessary so it was on her to come clean to him sooner rather than later.

He smiled at her, watching her search for words. “We’re good Hailey.” His hand reached for her shoulder and she instinctively leaned slightly into the warmth of his hand. They sat that way for a beat before Hailey gathered herself, shoulders and eyebrows rising as she took in a deep breath. “I’ll grab my bag.” She was out in the warm evening air pulling open the rear door and grabbing the suitcase.

“I’d have gotten it for you y’know.” Jay told her, arm over the front seat as he turned to see her. She’d just moved too fast.

“I got it.” She assured him. “Your reputation as a gentleman is still intact.” Hailey teased.

He took that one in. “A gentleman,” he mused. “That might be a first.”

They laughed softly before Hailey spoke. “G’night Jay. I’ll see you-- tomorrow.” It had nearly been a question. A hope.

“Copy that. Good to have you back Hailey.”

Hailey smiled and closed the truck doors. She made it to her front door without problem, willing herself not to turn around. She could hear the truck idling behind her as she unlocked the door and walked inside. A moment later she heard Jay’s truck move forward.

It wasn’t late but Hailey had been home long enough to relax her body and mind in a hot shower. As she stood in the steam she stole a glance down at her hip, at the lovely lgoing away gift from her last raid with the NY team. It was ugly but healing. The side of her arm would take a bit more time if the feeling of the water on it in the shower was any indicator, She towel dried her hair and got dressed, grabbing the small box from her suitcase on her way downstairs. It now sat on the top of the kitchen island, and she gave it a long look while pouring tequila in her glass. She refused to allow herself the second guessing that was desperate to come forward as she stared at the small box with the 3 letter name written in black ink.

Hailey sighed and pushed her attention back to the sweet welcome home note that Vanessa had left her on the same island, along with the new bottles of Hailey’s favorite scotches and tequilas.

She padded in socked feet to her living room and now sat in her favorite blue sweats and t-shirt, scrolling through the muted Netflix screen, and nursing her drink. She sat all the way back on the couch with her feet tucked under her and sighed. Looking around the familiar walls of her living room she took in the quiet. She wasn’t bothered by it but it was different than the New York quiet she’d adjusted to.

She was good at that, at this now. Being alone in the quiet. It was far better than the yelling, shouting, slamming, the shattering of items, the yelps of pain that had filled her ears growing up. Moving away from it had been jarring at first. Her time in college and even at the police academy she thought she’d be glad to have those sounds gone. But instead she often found herself waiting for them to begin. Over time, other sounds purposely replaced them—music, parties, voices, open windows to traffic noise, and sometimes late night tv or radio. Hailey Upton didn’t want silence. Years ago, her psychology grad student boyfriend had told her that she most likely viewed silence as a bad thing because the she in her past knew it would come to an end and how. She’d rolled her eyes, taken a giant swig of her beer, and seductively climbed on top of him. They were too busy the rest of the night to talk about his views, and he hadn't lasted long as a boyfriend.

Undercover work didn’t come with any sense of quiet either, nor had her stint in robbery homicide. There had always been the sound of cameras clicking, pencils scratching, voices being recorded. It really wasn’t until she’d come to work in Intelligence that she’d experienced real silence. She’d continued her years long tradition of having a drink at home after a rough day while her brain whirled and tried to make sense of the chaos. Jay began to join her--here in this kitchen, his apartment, or out at a bar. They once bought beer and sat on the hood of her car on an empty street. And they would just be. When she was with him and they just were, the noise in her head dimmed and eventually she realized was the noise was gone and she was good. Good with the quiet. She would look at him, see him, know his moods and what he was thinking. Sometimes they’d talk about a case, the day, the little things and at times, some big things. But sometimes they simply sat and took comfort that the other was there.

New York had been tough for a variety of reasons but she always knew, always remembered that there was a Last Day waiting for her. That had been today and after a few hours of saying her good-byes to the FBI field office, here she was back in her own home. And it felt good. Mostly. Hailey took another sip of the tequila hoping it would help her mind slow as her brain actively tried to refuse the quiet. It had other plans, wanting to go backward in time to replay Jay-- his eyes, his smile, his heart, how it felt so right when they were partners on duty, drinks and talks and laughter, nights at Molly’s, being back beside him, how genuinely surprised and happy she’d been to see him waiting for her, how happy she felt being near him again, riding in his truck.

But looking behind wasn’t enough as her mind whirled and changed direction, and tried to fast forward with projected outcomes of what would happen when she returned to the 21st—of Jay's reaction, the team's....the questions she’d get, and the answers she’d give, the partner she’d have. If she was still part of the Intelligence team. She’d successfully avoided Voight’s direct phone calls, let her voicemail stay full For as long as possible directing the calls to switchboard, and was grateful he wasn’t a fan of email. She knew he was in touch with the SAC in New York and that reports had been written about her behaviors and performance, small tests given that she’d known she passed, scenarios she was purposely placed in and watched to see her actions and reactions. It was an easy game to play, easy not to cross lines when they were so obvious and deeply etched, and she had no skin in the game. She knew her actions had to do with her and not so much with any lines. When she was in those situations it wasn't that she didn't see the lines, there simply hadn't been any. She was clear on that. This was a whole other arena for her brain to take sport in. _Enough! Not tonight,_ she told herself harshly. _Get back to the quiet, get back to the quiet,_ she chanted inwardly.

Groaning, Hailey pushed a hand through her hair and had just sucked back the rest of the clear liquid in her glass when the repeated knocking at her front door reached her. When she looked through the peep hole she softly smiled. _Should’ve known_.

She opened the door to him. "Hey,” his tone was serious.

“Hey,” she returned, taken aback by the seriousness of his tone and face.

Jay stepped inside as she closed the door. “You look comfy,” he mused.

Her eyebrows went up. “You look tired.” She retorted. Then,“You ok?”

“I just—“ he started. He wanted to tell her that as wonderful as it had been to be the one to see her first out of the airport, to talk with her on the ride to her place, to simply have her next to him in the truck, that it was horrible when it was back to being just him driving away. It had been warm and light when Hailey was back next to him and something in him that he didn’t know had been missing felt whole. He felt right. The 3 weeks she was supposed to gone had turned to 5, then 7 and finally nearly 9 and he’d learned to make himself push away the memories of working with her, talking with her, being with her. But this afternoon when he’d had the taste back, he couldn’t remember how to be without it. At his place he’d tried to calm himself with a cold beer and then another. Lifting weights hadn’t helped nor had a shower. He was at war with himself torn between texting, calling, and ignoring the feelings he was having completely. It had then taken him the better part of an hour to finally stop thinking and just act. He grabbed his keys and made the 20 minute drive back to her place with no real idea of what he’d say he was there for.

Hailey watched him with intent as he struggled to find the words. She smiled again but this time _for_ him. “I got you Jay. Get in here.”


	3. Conversations change directions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She comes clean to Jay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still don't own anyone, still don't have a beta.

She locked the door and they stopped in the kitchen where he picked up a glass and noticed the new bottles. “New York souvenirs? Y’know the hotels charge a lot for the bottles that go missing.” he joked.

“Ha.Ha” she ribbed back as she poured tequila in both of their glasses. “A welcome home gift from Vanessa. Finished a job successfully so—“ she lifted her glass to his for a quick clink. “to the victor go the spoils.” She sipped and raised her eyebrows. “Or something like that.”

He swallowed from his glass and began to relax. Jay took a seat at the counter and his eyes fell on the box with his name. “Hailey..?” he drawled out, smiling. “Is that what I think it is?”

“You-“ she pointed at him, grinning. “-are a baby” Sighing dramatically, she reached for the box and slid it over to him then took her own seat beside him. “I saw it and thought of you.”

She really had brought him back something. He didn’t care about the thing, he cared about the thought.

“You thought of me.” He repeated.

“Of course.” she replied, emphatically and lightly bumping his shoulder with hers. ‘ _every_ _day_ ’ nearly followed. “Just open it.”

He began to lift the neatly folded paper corners until another plain box was revealed underneath. “I love presents.” He grinned.

Hailey took small sips of her drink as the second guessing in her mind began. Was it too much? She’d seen it, thought it was tough and masculine but in another way soft and delicate. It reminded her of Jay and she knew she wanted to give it to him. She’d quickly scribbled some writing on a paper and handed it back to the salesperson before she could change her mind. Twenty minutes later she was on her way back to work with the bag swinging from her hand. It had been a comfort to her all during New York, to know it was Jay’s, to know that there would be a day that she’d go home and give it to him.

He popped the box open to reveal a watch, sporty and sleek, the large face staring up at him. “Hailey…” He didn’t know quite what to say. He picked it up from its indented space to take a closer look and turned it over, surprised to see an inscription, _Make the time_.

Her face was half hidden behind her tequila glass as her cheeks burned pink. “Too cheesy?”

“No!” he quickly answered before breaking in to a smirk. “Nah, nah, no, it’s perfectly cheesy. The perfect amount.”

He laughed and she snorted in fake hurt, then pretended to admonish him with a drawn out “Hey…!” as a warning.

Jay settled down a bit. “Really, Hailey. This is, it’s wonderful. Thank you.” He continued to look at it, nodding slightly as he did.

Hailey shrugged a bit and swallowed. “I want—“ she trailed off then tried again, her brow slightly furrowed as she spoke. “I want you to be happy, Jay.”

“I know,” he said, quietly, nodding to himself as her clasped the gift around his wrist. His grin returned, back to being a kid getting a treat. “This is so great!”

Her shoulders rose as she tilted her head to the side and laughed. “Well then--‘Mission: Gift’ is complete.” She picked up her glass and the bottle of tequila, motioned back toward the living room, and began walking.

They sat together on her couch for a moment, neither one speaking. As they sat in the quiet Hailey’s thoughts from earlier, about coming clean to Jay sooner rather than later stormed through, pushing and shoving, to the front of her brain. She couldn’t imagine making idle conversation without being honest with him. It appeared that now was sooner. This was a lot for her first night home, but maybe it was better that it was spontaneous. Planning for this would have been too much. So now, before she could be his partner again, be his friend, she would have to clear this with him and see if he’d still want the same from her.

Hailey tried to calm herself as she extended a foot out to the coffee table and then crossed her other ankle over it.

Jay stared at her, chewing her bottom lip, lost in thought. He wasn’t sure where to start. Did he just say he missed her? Did he talk more about the watch? Ask about New York? He wasn’t sure, but acting was a closer match to his nature than talking so he figured he’d go for it and see where it led.

“Hailey-” He began, leaning toward her.

She cut him off immediately. “Please don’t” She continued to look straight ahead, at her socked feet crossed in front of her. If he started talking she’d lose herself and take solace in just talking with him. She was supposed to meet with Voight tomorrow and that meant heading back to the 21st. She needed to bring Jay up to speed by then and live with the fallout. She took his glass from him and placed it on the table.

“Just…stop.” She risked a sideways glance and caught his surprise. “I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I have to go first. If I don’t —“ she shook her head, trying to clear it and find a way to start. “I need to—I want to tell you---.“ Her lips flattened against each other before taking a deep breath and exhaling. “I want to tell you about New York, about why I went there.”

Jay was confused. He thought they’d had a moment. Moments. And now she was changing the tone completely. “Hailey, wait, what--?” He ran a hand over his face. “No one’s upset that you left. Hell, that was a great opportunity that came up. We all got that.”

Her head shook. “Mm-mm, no.” She began slowly, grimacing. “I didn’t go because I deserved it, at least not in that sense. I went because I was…sent—“ she paused. “To teach me a lesson.”

If Jay thought he was confused before, he now felt like he had lost complete understanding of what was going on. _What the hell is she talking about?_ “What are you--?”

Another exhaled breath. She turned her body toward him and tucked her feet under her. She couldn’t look him in the eye now and so looked to the floor and continued. “I’ll never get it all out to you, there’s just too much, but-- for a while, Voight was—concerned--with some of my choices on cases we worked.” She stole a glance at Jay and saw he was in, looking worried and confused at this topic, but listening. “We’d talked about—decisions—I’d made. The consequences there could be. For me. For…” She paused again, about to admit to her best friend that perhaps she wasn’t a very good person at her core. And that she wasn’t yet sure how sorry she was for her actions. “It started with Darius Walker.”

That name took him back a few months, and he immediately remembered her state of mind when all of that had gone down. Her anger, grief, sense of responsibility, her inability to move on and let go. None of it was like her. His concern for her had been great enough that when he’d realized she’d slipped away from the bullpen and then from the district, he’d pinged her phone and drove to see what was up. He’d found her car and waited her out. They’d argued when he’d asked for answers and she hadn’t given any, only assured him she was okay and he’d let her go. He’d found out what had happened the next morning. Platt had come with news and he’d ridden to the scene with Voight, Hailey opting to drive herself. He remembered so many people crowded in there, all of them, all, looking on at the pool table. At Darius Walker‘s death.

He’d overheard a few patrol officers talking about who would cross Darius, wondering how he’d been made. He was annoyed by their talking but didn’t think anything about it. But now he remembers being surprised, hearing Voight loudly call them out on their conversation, and he’d shut them down fast. He’d tried to make eye contact with Hailey but her eyes were on Voight who was now watching her as well. She’d left shortly afterward.

The rest of them co-worked the scene with homicide and closed it out relatively quickly. It was one of the more gruesome deaths they’d seen but no one on the team was necessarily surprised. Snitches, when found out, didn’t last long. Even Darius Walker.

“Hailey,” he said, lowly. “What did you do.” It was more of a statement than a question. Questions needed answers and he was pretty sure he already knew this one. The neighborhood he’d found her in, her anger about the lack of justice for Cam, her guilt over his death, her rage that Darius walked away.

She looked up at him then, her eyes moist with the coming admission. “I planted a seed.” _I’m investigating the murder of three police officers._

“Jesus.” Jay rubbed his face with both hands and put his elbows on his knees as the knowledge of what happened sank in. “Voight knew?”

She nodded. “I went to a bar....I knew I should be feeling guilty or—something—but I wasn’t.” She sounded small and yet almost amazed by the revelation. “I was ready to drown them though, if those feelings came. Because Jay, I didn’t want to feel it. I didn’t want to feel wrong.” The truth was, at that time, she hadn’t felt much at all and at the time she’d found that thrilling. Voight must have pinged my phone. Next thing I know he's sitting in front of me. Can't say I was surprised to see him.

“What’d he say?”

“Tried to steer me straight I guess. Gave advice. Warned me.” She paused and looked back at him, nodding. “I heard him. I got what he was saying, but—“ she looked away again, shaking her head, and continued on. “That was it.” She shrugged. “Nothing happened. On paper, the reports, Darius’ history, everything tied up.” She licked her lip.

“Is that it?” He felt stupid asking that. As if ‘it’ weren’t enough. Where had he been when she’d started down this path? He’d noticed her changing, becoming more hardened, maybe less sympathetic, but after a few years working intelligence it happened to a lot of cops. With him she was still his partner, that hadn’t changed—she’d had his back, he’d had hers, and they continued to work seamlessly together.

A pained look crossed her face as she took a deep breath and met his eyes. “No.” These were the words that could end so much for her. “I set up.…” she trailed off, trying to find the words that weren’t so they didn’t sound like excuses. “We had a suspect in custody. Couldn’t pin anything to him though and he was released.” The way she said that still sounded like she couldn’t quite believe it. “And I—I….” She released a shaky breath. “…Product…was found in a trap in his car. A brake light had been disconnected at the same time. I sat in my car and listened on the citywide for a bit--one of my ci’s called in a tip, and the brake light gave cause for the pullover.” She explained. “When I heard the stop called in…I watched. K-9s rolled in on the tip and they found the product. 30 years.”

“You’re talking about Gael.” He breathed, putting pieces together. “And Rojas’ friend got his deal back.”

She nodded. “So,--“ she’d gotten through this part. Not much left. “Voight heard about the arrest and he’s not stupid. Called me in, talked to me about lines—seeing, crossing. New York was supposed to help me see more clearly. See how to work within them without question.”

“Did it?”

She had to continue to be honest. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I’m not proud of what I did Jay. I know that it was wrong--Really wrong. Voight had warned me after Darius, said this would eat at me if I couldn’t turn off a certain part of myself. But it hasn’t. I can’t find it in myself to feel.. anything. I’ve tried but it’s not there. So—I don’t know if that part of me, if that part had ever been on in the first place.” A small sigh left her lips. “Knowing Voight was disappointed in me—I hated that, didn’t understand it. And knowing that I would need to tell _you_...I couldn’t then, not if it put you at risk for knowing. That, funny enough,” she huffed though she knew it wasn’t funny at all. “that’s what kept me up at night.”

She’d managed to keep it together, to not cry. She was only holding on by a thread though. Hearing her tell her own story she saw in part the monster Voight hadn’t wanted her to become.

“Hailey.” He twisted to face her. “Look at me.” When she didn’t he said her name louder, with more force. “ **Hailey**.”

Her eyes snapped up, clear, sad, and ready to accept his judgement. “I feel like we’ve had this talk, more than once already.” He began. “I Don’t know what you think I’m gonna—did you think I’d hate you or—? Cuz I don’t.” He assured her. “This is a lot, I’m not gonna lie but—I do wish you’d come to me. I get why you didn’t but man,” Another face rub as he tried to make sense of everything she’d just told him. “Voight covered for you...” He nodded while speaking, asking for confirmation.

“I don’t know” she admitted. “I didn’t ask—never really got the chance. It was all so quick that night. At the end, Platt had my information downstairs, had already checked me in online for my flight. She told me to go home and pack. And I was at the airport by 6 the next morning.”

“Jesus, Hailey—“ He inadvertently laughed and she looked at him. That was definitely not the reaction she expected. “I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s just—this is just—pretty fucked up.” He smiled wistfully. “And –when I came here tonight, well—this isn’t the conversation I thought we’d have.”

Hailey grimaced and agreed. “Yeah. I know. And maybe—maybe I’m selfish but, I meet with Voight tomorrow and whatever comes of it, I wanted you to know before that.” She’d been honest. It hadn’t painted her in a good light at all but she had told him what she’d done and owned her actions. She had concern about her job, and her standing with Voight but right now it was only Jay whose opinion of her mattered.

“I don’t know what to say here, Hailey. I wish you’d come to me,” he admitted quietly. “Hell, we’ve all gone off the reservation at one point or another.” He didn’t want to downplay her actions. A man was dead and the way he died wasn’t simple. And planting evidence was no joke. He wished she’d been able to talk to someone about what she was doing, Thinking, feeling, someone who could have pushed her to stop and think and help. He wished it would have been him but this is where they were. She’d acted, Voight had too, and now after nearly 9 weeks they sat together again. 

Watching him and waiting to see anger rise or disappointment bloom, Hailey was surprised when Jay looked at her like he always had and put a hand on hers, and squeezed it lightly. “We’re good Hailey. I told you that before. We’ll always be good.” He gave her a small smile while watching her face show her incredulous surprise. He squeezed her hand again, and nodded. “I’ve got you.”


	4. So Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tide has turned

They’d talked for what seemed like hours, Jay assuring Hailey that he was in her corner, Hailey telling him he might want to, need to, stay on the sidelines until she knew in which way the wind was blowing. “It doesn’t matter, Hailey. Good or bad, right or wrong.” He reminded her. A moment passed and Hailey gave him a tepid smile, before looking down.

She didn’t know what would come of her meeting with Voight, or what might happen afterward, and she didn’t want Jay to get caught up in the flash flood of the potential outcomes. But when she looked up at him again she saw he was still looking at her, was still with her, hadn’t moved. Hailey huffed out a small laugh and rolled her eyes, her smile turning in to a full grin as she accepted that he was there for her. “C’mon,” she stood slowly. “You hungry?”

They were back in the kitchen, a bowl of popcorn down to kernels and the new bottle of tequila halfway gone. Two bottles of water were new to the counter, and Jay was giving her a ridiculous time about not wanting to drink room temperature water.

“That’s why ice was invented.” he told her, one eyebrow raised. “To make warm things cold.”

She wasn’t about to argue. “Fine, I’ll get you a glass. You get your precious ice.” she teased, turning to the cabinet.

He sat, smiling both over getting his way and enjoying being with Hailey again. He watched as she reached up into the cupboard for the glass, watched as the hem on her shirt lifted a bit, and he froze. There were jagged lines on the top of her hip, dark pink and angry, surrounded by the green, blue and yellow discoloration of her skin. They were at the beginning of starting to fade but still told the story of some sort of hurt.

“Hey,” Jay said, surprise in his voice.

Hailey turned, reaching across the island and putting the glass in front of him. She snorted. “Noooo,” she said slowly. “I’m glass, you’re ice. I did my part. You go do yours.”

Her eyes traveled pointedly toward the refrigerator and her forearms went down to the counter as she leaned forward over it, smiling at him. He didn’t smile back and she couldn’t read his face.

“What?”

“What happened there?” He got up from his seat at the counter and came around to her while Hailey was still trying to play catch up. He got to her and with a gentle finger brushed her hip. Her smile fell and she knew immediately what he was talking about, what he must have seen.

“Hailey,” His voice soft as he shook his head slightly. “Lemme see.”

Her lips flattened as she looked away. 

"You see a dr?" 

She gave a quick nod.

"C'mon" He took her hand, startling her, and guided her back to the living room, back to the couch. They sat, bodies angled toward each other. “What happened?”

“N-nothing, not a big deal.” Hailey was confused. She’d taken the bandage off the flesh wound the night before, satisfied with its healing progress. Her hip protested if touched with firm pressure but overall it was a disappearing memory from one of the recent raids with the FBI, the one that rolled her the hardest.

Jay looked at her as if she’d just spoken a language he didn’t understand, then stared intently at the area under the hem of her shirt. “Can I…?” he whispered.

Hailey could only nod as she watched him take 2 fingers and gently lift her shirt up a few inches. At first she looked up and away, not wanting to make this a bigger deal for him, tried to be aloof. But her eyes didn't get that memo, and found and followed his fingers. Watched as they ghosted over the wound above her hip. It took every ounce of Hailey’s will to keep the shiver she felt from becoming public. Jay lifted the shirt a bit more as the pattern continued up toward her ribs and his eyes went down to the top of her sweatpants, seeing the same pattern disappear under her waistband. He pulled the shirt gently back down and looked up to Hailey, her eyes seemingly darker but still somehow brighter than he’d seen them before. He knew she was keeping herself open to him, being vulnerable, and the sight of her trust in him was like nothing he’d ever seen nor was the feeling it brought forward in him.

“Where else?” he asked, quietly.

She hesitated for a second before lifting her arm and with her other hand pushed the long sleeve back. Rotating her arm a bit she showed him. Up the outside of her wrist to nearly her elbow were signs of where her skin had met with rough pavement.

“It’s fine, Jay. It’s nothing.” She assured him quietly. “I’m okay.”

He watched her for a moment and her heart constricted as she wished she could put to words what was crossing his features. Concern, fear, care, anger, tenderness, so many of them and so many she couldn’t name. This time she couldn’t control the shiver she felt as his fingers feathered over the irritated skin. His eyes came back to hers and she hoped he couldn’t hear how fast her beat was beating, see how quickly her chest was rising and falling. She was trying to get her control back but failing.

“I’m **okay**.” She whispered emphatically, wanting him to understand that _she was_ , to reassure him.

He seemed to take a small breath before beginning, “If anything had happened…” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

She moved as if in a trance, slowly tilting her head a bit. “Nothing did…” she whispered back. Her tongue felt tied and she was having trouble making words. Time had slowed and Hailey felt like she was wrapped in a giant blanket of tar, barely able to move. Jay’s eyes were locked on hers and she couldn’t look away, could barely breathe. His fingers, again feather light, danced lightly back at her hip.

“Jay” she breathed, cautiously.

He was moving toward her slowly. “I have to,” he admitted, lowly, and then his lips were on hers. Soft and tender. Not for long, and for Hailey, not nearly enough.

Jay pulled back and stared at her, barely having the presence of mind to wonder if he’d just done the stupidest thing ever. The concern was bubbling up over it but he was still lost in imagining his world without Hailey Upton in it. She put herself on the line every day but he was by her side, ready to step in, have her back, at any given time. The realization of what could have happened while she was away had hit him hard. Kissing her was his proof of life. He’d pulled back a bit but was still so close.

“Say something,” he whispered, doubts and hopes battling inside of him, wondering where he now stood.

It took her a few seconds to blink and only a few more for her to answer, “Kiss me again.”


	5. Momentum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They move to the next level

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta, no ownership, and and I'm horrible at writing pg 13 let alone m material.

_“Say something,” he whispered, doubts and hopes battling inside him, wondering where he now stood._

_It took her a few seconds to blink and only a few more for her to answer, “Kiss me again.”_

Jay grinned as Hailey felt his breath caress her face, followed by a hand on her cheek. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. And he did, tentative at first, learning her.

Hailey moved forward, deepening the kiss, as Jay’s hand snaked behind her head and pulled her in even closer. Minutes passed as they explored each other’s lips, mouth, tongue, face, before she pulled back, breathing heavily, and purposely not looking up at Jay. She was so quickly swept up in her heart taking control, and her body and desires quickly following in line, that it had left her brain way out of the loop. It had finally joined up with the others and went right in to warning mode. _This is Jay, this is your partner, you work together, this isn’t right, this won’t work, you’re going to ruin it, you’ll ruin him…_

Silently, she told her brain to shut the hell up, to leave her alone.

“Hey,” he lifted her chin with a finger. “You good?”

In that moment, looking up in to his eyes, Hailey was all caught up. Heart, brain and body had aligned. “I’m good,” she assured him with a strong voice, and kissed him hard, then caught his bottom lip with her teeth gently, while climbing on his lap, straddling him.

Jay was caught slightly off guard by her action and intensity but immediately fell in to sync with her. With this new position, her slightly above him, he was able to access her neck and lathed kisses from her pulse point up to her ear while she craned her head backward, allowing him all the space he wanted to cover. Her hands were on his shoulders then slid behind his neck, while his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer even still. Hailey dipped her own head down to Jay’s and began to explore the skin above his collar, then nipped at the spot right at the bottom of his neck before finding his mouth again.

A groan escaped Jay causing Hailey to grin in to his mouth. “Hey,” she cleared her throat a bit. “Are you still thirsty?” she murmured, teasingly. “Just remembered you never got your ice.” Her voice was husky as she kissed down his jawline.

An eyebrow went up. "Seriously?" He huffed out a breath, trying to catch her lips with his, happy in his success. “ _That_ ,” he nearly growled in to her mouth.. “is _not_ what I want.”

Hailey leaned fully back from him and grinned wide, her top teeth sinking down to her bottom lip. “No?” she played innocent, her eyes widening.

“No,” Jay told her, and without warning he stood up from the couch with Hailey still in his lap.

“Jay!” she all but squealed, but wrapped her legs around his back and kissed him roughly. He walked her the short distance to the closest wall, her back meeting its flat surface as her feet found the floor. One of Jay’s hands was on the small of her back while the other held her chin tightly in place as he kissed her thoroughly and deeply, feeling a freedom, a peace, and a joy he didn’t know he was capable of feeling.

Hailey’s hands pulled slowly down his sides, fingers grazing his abdomen through his shirt before finding the taut skin under it, warm under her palms as she felt his planes and angles. Her fingers went lower, first down his hips, then dipping beneath the waistband of his jeans, causing Jay to still for a moment, before she deftly began working at undoing his belt.

His belt undone, Hailey easily opened his jeans, reaching inside. Now it was Jay who pulled back, reluctantly, but he needed to now before things progressed.

“Hailey,” he started, breathing hard, while his hands moved to bracket her between them, her hand frozen where it was. He took a shaky breath. “You sure about this? Tonight…?”

This was new and it was everything. It was raw and powerful, and mightily wanted by them both, but it was a huge jump from what they’d been before she’d left, from what they’d been even an hour ago. Her eyes were dark with desire and it was all he could do to stand still and wait for her response.

Being away from Jay when he was her friend and her partner had been tough, but having just crossed this particular line made it nearly impossible for Hailey to imagine being back on the other side of it. This wasn’t someone she’d just met in a bar or even someone she was casually dating. She’d known Jay for years, they’d worked beside each other, worked through issues, survived tough times. They’d put in the time to build a solid partnership, a friendship, as well as time spent wanting, building up to this moment.

“We can wait,” he reminded her.

He was in her heart. “I know,” she nodded. “But I don’t want to.”

Jay would have been fine with the alternate answer but the small chuckle and smile that slipped out showed his pleasure with this one. Hailey smiled back as her hands went back to holding his hips, while Jay’s hands left the wall and went back to holding her face as he kissed her hard pulling his hands through her hair, then slipping under her shirt and finding the skin of her back warm and smooth, then moving forward to fondle her breasts through her bra. Hailey continued accepting his kisses both to her lips, her neck, her jawline before lifting his shirt above his head, and dropping it to the floor She grinned at him, biting her bottom lip.

“Your turn” he murmured, reaching for her hem and pulling it upward and tossing away. For a small moment he stood there admiring Hailey Upton, his eyes traveling up and down, somewhat unbelieving what he was seeing—blonde hair tousled, lips kiss-swollen, panting slightly, eyes dark with desire, standing in a bra and sweats, waiting to cross another line with him.

“Hey,” he began, quietly, stepping back in to her space, feeling her breath on his chest.

“Shhh…” she stopped him, drawing out the quieting sound and putting both hands to his chest. She closed her eyes and dropped her forehead to his chest as Jay’s hand went back to its new favorite spot, behind her head and toyed with her hair. Hailey stayed like that for a moment, enjoying the sensation of Jay’s hand in her hair, the scent of his skin directly under her nose, feeling his heart beating against her. She took stock of their situation and put her brain in charge for the moment. As much as she wanted to move forward she was so enjoying this moment and wanted the near innocence of it to last a bit longer.

“We have to stop,” she finally told him, looking back up. Jay’s eyes began to widen as his hand slid from her hair.She caught his wrist. “We need to move.” She nodded toward the hallway that would lead upstairs.

The slow smile that spread over Jay’s face was forever burned in to Hailey’s memory. The relief, the want. He leaned forward again, and chuckled into her mouth as he kissed her. “Scared me for a sec there.”

“Gotta keep you on your toes,” she murmured, kissing him harder, kissing him deeper.

“Or off,” he grunted as he lifted her again easily, her legs crossing once more behind his waist feeling him against her, as he walked them out of the living room.

The stairs had been tricky but they made it upstairs, stumbling in to her bedroom. He put her down and she immediately began working his jeans off, sliding them down his hips. Hailey’s sweats came off easy ffort and Jay instead focused his attention on undoing the clasp of her bra on her back. His success led to his slowing down his movements as he slowly pulled one of her last articles of clothing down her arms before dropping it to the floor, dramatically They stood there for a beat, both readying themselves for the next moments.

Hailey moved first, scooting backwards on the bed while Jay was barely a second behind, covering her body with this, before removing the last clothing barriers between them.

***********************************************************

They lay in her bed later on in the dark, both of their hair as tousled as the sheets and blankets. Both completely happy. Hailey moved closer to Jay as he pulled her over to him. She lay her head against his shoulder, tracing a circle around his shoulder scar with her finger.

“I gotta say, I thought—“ she began, checking her feelings. “I thought this would be weird.”

He kissed the crown of her head and trailed his own fingers up and down her shoulder. “Later we’re gonna talk about how you thought about this—“ She grimaced and playfully swatted at him. “but for now, let’s focus on _you thought it would be weird_?”

“ **Jay** ,” she said emphatically, turning farther onto her side, a smug smile playing on her face. “I thought it would feel weird—a _fte_ r. But…” she looked pointedly at him, leaving her thought unfinished.

“ _Definitely_ not weird” Jay grinned and rolled over on to her. Hailey grinned and lifted her head, reaching for him and claiming him with a deep, wet kiss. Jay’s hands went back down her sides, across her breasts, and continued to study her body, finding what she liked. She did the same for him until they were both sated, and ready for sleep.

In the morning, the alarm on Jay’s phone woke them both. “MMM,” Hailey groaned, both against the sound as well as the light coming through her window. Jay had scooted out of the bed to grab his pants, turning off the alarm from the phone in his back pocket. Her hand went over her eyes.

“I hear ya,” he told her, his voice still heavy with sleep. Climbing back in under the blankets he put out an arm to her. “C’mere.”

She quickly moved back over to him, burrowing in to his side as his arm came down around her. They were quiet together before Hailey murmured, “This is nice.”

Jay opened his eyes and glanced down at her. “Mmm? What?”

“Waking up with you.” She kissed his side, gently. Together they dozed a bit longer before Hailey felt the pull of reality and the lateness of morning nagging at her to get up.Rolling away she stole a glance at the clock and groaned. 

“What’s up?” Jay asked, awake now too. He settled on his side, elbow propping his head.

“I have to be at the district at 11. I’m not—“ she looked up to the ceiling but no answers were there. “—not sure what to expect.”

Jay let out a breath. “Listen. You did what was asked of you. Damn well too, from what we heard.” He paused a moment, rubbing his face. “Go in, debrief, and go from there.”

Hailey mulled this over. “Sooo, you’re saying just stick to the facts….”

“Yeah,” he agreed with self-satisfied grin, peering over her to the clock on the bedside table. “Like—the fact that it’s only quarter after 7, I don’t have to be in till 9 and we still have some time this morning.”

“That is a fact” she nodded, returning his grin, and giving herself over to him once more.

***************************************************************

They’d showered and said good byes as Jay left to change at home before heading in to work, as Hailey puttered around her home and took stock of what she needed to do.

She was in the kitchen, a glass of juice mostly untouched in front of her, as she gazed out the window when she heard the noise at the door.

,“Hey!” she heard after the key opened the door, followed by an excited “You’re home!” Vanessa came in to the kitchen and hugged Hailey hard. “Hey, you ok?” she asked. “You look tired,” she clarified.

Hailey smiled gauzily at her and nodded “ Yeah. It was a long night.”


	6. Meeting at 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey meets with Voight

She made eye contact with Trudy as she walked past the desk and keyed herself in through the gate. Hailey walked up the stairs one at a time, each step both filling her with joy to be back in this building, as well as unease at what may happen behind Hank Voight’s door. She cleared the top of the steps and nearly cried with the welcome sight of the familiarity of the bullpen and the people sitting in it.

“Hey, hey, hey!” she heard Ruzak call. “Look what the cat dragged in. Wait, no, what does New York have? Pigeons?” He stood up, walking toward her.

“You look pretty good for being pigeon dragged.” Atwater was closest and pulled her in to a hug which she gladly returned.

“Quit hogging her,” Ruzak chastised as he took his turn. “Jay’s gonna be so pissed he missed you.”

Hailey smiled. “That's ok, we’ll catch up.”

Kim gave her a questioning look but didn’t say anything except for, “My turn!”

“Hey Kim,” Hailey greeted as she hugged the last person in the bullpen. “Nice to see nothing’s changed around here,” she offered, looking around. She had an urge to sit at her desk but she wasn’t fully sure that it was still hers so she tempered the feeling and looked toward Voight’s closed door. “He in there?”

The other members of the unit exchanged slightly uneasy looks. They were in the dark about what had happened but knew it wasn’t as simple as Hailey getting tapped for New York out of the blue. Plus, Hank’s mood had been nearly nuclear for the first few days she was gone. Didn’t take a genius, or an even an elite detective to know the two were somehow connected.

“Hey.” Adam answered. “I’m sure it’ll all be good.” He gave her shoulder an encouraging squeeze.

Hailey gave a small smile in return. “Yeah. Guess we’ll see.” She began to square her shoulders in readiness when the door opened and Hank appeared, looking exactly as Hailey remembered him.

“Hailey,” he greeted her, staying put at his door.

Hailey simply stood there, looking past him by his desk, remembering the last time she’d been inside. She was able to find her voice. “Hey Sarge.”

“C’mon in.”

She nodded mutely and walked the few feet to the door and stepped past him.

“I’m sure the rest of you have work to do…?” he addressed the rest of the unit.

Hank closed the door and went back to his desk, appraising Hailey as she stood. “Take a seat,” he offered, his own body swinging gently in his chair. “Heard you did a hell of a job in New York.”

She eyed her boss carefully. “It was good work,” she acknowledged, taking a seat. Hailey offered nothing else, wary of how to approach him, of how he would approach her. But she was confident he’d received reports about all aspects of her during her time in New York so didn't feel the need to go back over anything unless he asked. A minute passed with them simply watching each other. She knew her job was on the line here but she didn’t know how to get back to her ease with him, the way she’d been with him prior to the night she left.

Hank broke the silence and leaned forward on his desk. “You okay? Heard that last case was a little rough.” She looked directly at him. “You got a little overzealous.”

She opened her mouth to respond then thought better of it. She wouldn’t be baited. He had the report. He knew the details. “I’m fine.”

“Hailey,” he began. “It’s no secret what an asset you were to that office. I’ve got emails, memos, phone calls, reports all stating the stellar work that you did.” He motioned to a folder that housed all of what he’d mentioned. “But you and I both know that that was never a question.” Hailey inhaled and exhaled, waiting for the shoe to drop. “What was the question was if you could operate within the guidelines of your job description. If you could re-learn the necessity of working within the lines.”

She was growing uncomfortable, flattening her lips together. Hailey willed herself to stay silent.

Voight continued. “Now, I’m sure the question you have for me is if you’re still a member of this team. Of this family.” At that Hailey’s eyes began to prick with tears and she fought to contain them. This was where her heart lie. “And what I did for you Hailey, sending you to New York, that’s what we do for family. We take care of each other, even if it’s hard.” Hank stood up and walked to the corner of his desk and perched in front of her. “The easiest thing would’ve been to let you continue on, watch you self-destruct.” Arms crossed in front of his chest. “The problem with that is that yes, you could’ve brought the unit down with you—but Hailey, we don’t let the ones we care about walk down that road, not if we can help it. You were losing yourself, willingly letting yourself become something—someone—you’re not. I’m still not sure how you got to that place but I hope your time away from here made you see that that’s not the way you want to do things. I want you to be you, Hailey. You’re a good cop—a good person, with a good heart. Bring that back to the unit.” He waited for her to respond, leaning back a bit.

Hailey licked her lips and tried to keep her voice level. “Back to the unit?” she questioned. “Are you saying—does that mean--?”

“You’re a part of this team, Hailey. This family." he assured her. "And that desk out there, that no one used while you were gone, that belongs to you.”

Hailey closed her eyes momentarily, felt the relief flooding through her.

“But you and me gotta get on the same page again. I know you were—are—angry with me. But I don’t care about that. What matters to me is that you’re whole, ready to work, can work as part of this team.”

Hailey mulled over her words before deciding on keeping it simple. “I can do that,” she told him, quietly. “I want to do that.”

“Good" he told her. "I still want you partnered with Jay. But I want you to know—full disclosure here—if Jay sees you’re making questionable decisions, even thinks you’re starting to stray, he’s going to tell me.”

Hailey’s breathing rate picked up and she pursed her lips, focusing on schooling her features and reflecting a calm demeanor. “Jay is going to…” she repeated slowly, coming to terms with the fact that she was on some kind of probation. She’d need to prove her worth. And while in a way she understood it, she was also pissed. She’d done what he wanted, went away, worked hard, stayed in the lines. And still she wasn’t trusted.

“Yeah,” her boss nodded. “He is. Those are the terms. Take it or leave it.”

He made it sound so easy. She tried to choke down her feelings, didn’t trust her voice so simply nodded. She’d take it. She’d hate it but she’d take it. “Alright.”

A small smile made its way across his face as he pushed off the desk. “Tomorrow then. See you in the morning.” He went back to the seat at his desk, back to his work. Hailey nodded, taking it all in, and stood.

As she opened the door, Voight added, “And Hailey...welcome back.”

"Thanks, Sarge.” She turned and answered quietly, attempting a smile.

Hailey pushed away the words from their conversation, and stood for a moment, focusing only on seeing what was before her—the desks, the stairs, the file cabinets, all the small things she’d prayed she’d be able to see again. As she walked over to her desk, Kim, Kevin and Adam stopped and watched her. Hailey smiled as she sat in her familiar seat, looking at the empty top of her desk. then turned around to face them.

“Soooo,I don't know how I'm supposed to get anything done. I mean, there's nothing here. Can I borrow a pen?” Adam threw one to her and she caught it.

“Yeah, you can!” he aid loudly, happily.

Atwater walked over to her and gave her a fist bump, “Welcome back girl. We need you around here.” He smiled at her before walking to the break room.

Burgess was next, taking a seat on the corner of her desk. “Great news." she asserted. "I’m really happy for you, Hailey.”

“Thanks,” she said, nodding.

Kim smacked her lips and dropped her voice, being coy. “Mmm, but y’know, I noticed you haven’t asked about Jay.”

Hailey chuckled. “What am I supposed to ask?”

“I’m just sayin’…” Kim dragged out while also dragging a finger along Hailey’s desk. “I may have heard a rumor...” _Vanessa_.

Hailey rolled her eyes and went along. “If you’ve only heard one then you clearly aren’t talking to the right people. Meanwhile _I_ -“ she dropped her voice to a whisper and nodded over her shoulder to Adam. “heard something about dinners and hockey games?” Hailey waggled her eyebrows at her friend. “What’s going on there?”

Kim's mouth formed a straight line. “We’ll talk later,” she told her, walking back to her desk.

“Gonna have to be tomorrow, kittens. I will see you all in the morning,” She said, standing up. God, it felt good to be surrounded by these walls again, these people.

Her eyes fell to the desk in front of hers. Jay's. Hailey’s cheeks flushed as she thought about him watching over her, keeping tabs on her, he’d never brought this up, given her a clue, told her this was a condition. And she was angry.

******************************************************************


	7. To Intelligence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey's meeting is over and she knows where she stands. And she doesn't like it one bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta, not mine, yada, yada, yada

Hailey sat in her car, glowering. Yes, she was glad, _thrilled_ to still have her spot in Intelligence but the need to be watched over was not something she was stomaching easily. And having Jay be the one to do it… the opportunity to disappoint him loomed large and made her feel sick. She tried to brush it away, confident in her abilities. But _her_ confidence in her abilities wasn’t the issue. That was Voight’s whole point.

She gripped the steering wheel, thinking back to last night. Her memories should have done nothing but make her smile and feel warm. Instead she sat there wondering if he’d known he was going to be watching her, would be responsible for judging her movements, her decisions.

She exhaled a breath, trying to calm herself down. She felt like she was back at the beginning of her tenure with Intelligence. Back when she was new and being silently evaluated to see if she was a good fit. To see if she was good enough.

Hailey fought her whole life to be good enough, to meet whatever goals she set her mind to so that others would see it, would know it as well. It drove her, made her work hard, made her tough, made her succeed. And now everything she’d worked for had seemingly been erased in the eyes of the two men whose opinions she valued most. And she didn’t know how to deal with that except to be angry. Closing her eyes, she willed the anger away, composed herself and went to the place inside of herself where she couldn’t be hurt. After a few moments and a few cleansing breaths, she opened her eyes and texted Jay.

“Heading to Diggers Pub. Meet me?” The familiar ‘whoosh’ was heard as the text was sent, the phone was placed in its holder, and she put the car in reverse.

Diggers was a darkly toned Irish bar and at this point in the day the lunchtime crowd was filtering out slowly. She’d found a booth, placed an order with the waitress, and nursed her scotch when it arrived, keeping her anger at bay.

Hailey was nearing the bottom of her drink when Jay walked up.

“Hey--so how’d it go?” he asked, kissing the crown of her head just before sliding in to the booth across from her. He’d been anxious the whole morning for her meeting with Voight and more so as 11:00 had come and gone. He was excited to get her text and hear the hopefully good news that they were partners once again.

Hailey swallowed. “It went,” she stated, eyebrows shooting up briefly.

“Hailey.” Jay was slightly caught off guard. It wouldn’t be far from the mark that he thought things would go well. Easily. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” she said near off-handedly, and scrunched her nose for a second. “I’m back.”

Jay studied her, trying to figure out how what should have been good news seemed to sour. He gave her a minute to see if she’d continue.

“We’re partnered up,” she offered. “Though ‘partner’ may not really be the appropriate word.” She inhaled through her nose and looked contemplative. “But--what’s it called when you’re with someone who’s supposed to keep an eye on you? Report back if they see anything troubling? Doubt your judgements?”

“Hailey-” Jay glanced at her near empty glass, wondering if maybe it had started out as a double.

She snapped her fingers. “Mm, a babysitter. Babysitter,” she pointed emphatically at him. “and ….what does that make me?” she asked curiously mixed with an undertone of bitterness.

Jay let out a deep breath as the waitress approached with a bottle in her hand. “I ordered you a beer.” She waved to it as the waitress placed it in front of him.

“Thanks.” Jay took a long swing, trying to clear his thoughts. “Ok, let’s take this back a minute. Clue me in. Tell me what happened.”

Hailey just looked at him. “You really don’t know?”

Jay looked completely taken aback. “Wha-? No—I’ve been working with Gang Intel all morning. Left when I got your text.” He huffed out a breath, obviously out of the loop. “I thought we were meeting for lunch.”

Hailey’s mad broke and she pursed her lips, looking down and exhaling loudly. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I shouldn’t have...I just—“ she tried to explain. “I thought you knew, and--,” she trailed off feeling like an ass. She crossed an arm in front of her chest and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Hey,” Jay reached for her hand and she gave it over easily. He rubbed her thumb over her knuckles. “It’ll all work out. I haven’t talked to Voight but when I do, well, we’ll see where we are,” he assured her. She smiled at him then, mostly rueful but she ended up huffing out a chuckle at his earnestness. Jay raised his bottle. “To Intelligence.” Hailey took a long breath, then stood and moved to sit beside Jay. She nodded at him. “To Intelligence” she repeated, clinking her glass against his. Having him this close to her definitely eased her mind. She melted against his side for a moment before turning to him, smiling, and kissed him. She really tried but even with the effort, she knew her smile didn’t reach her eyes. She was just going to focus on the work, and being with Jay. And try to prove to herself that she was worthy of them both.


	8. Starting out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey and Jay share a bed, pain, love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and for leaving kudo and or comments. This was a tough one to find a ending to. Hopefully it's not too abrupt. No beta, only the errors are mine. If I owned these characters they would have been together at some point in mid to late season 7. :-)

It had been two weeks of being back in Chicago, back at work, back in the unit. Hailey was seemingly right back in the throes of the work pace and, according to Voight’s observations,

back to the Hailey he was hoping would return.

Their relationship had certainly suffered his tough love strategy. But if it helped her in the long run he could and would live with how things were. She was respectful of his position, his authority, did things as he asked, how she knew he wanted them. But the easy familiarity that he shared with the team he no longer shared with her. She kept her distance from him, physically and emotionally. Right now, he was simply her boss.

It had also been two weeks of seeing Jay outside of work. Two weeks of feeling like she was living in both slow motion and fast forward. Some aspects of their relationship propelled forward immediately, the physical, the emotional, the sharing of the parts of themselves that others never or rarely got to see. Other parts moved incredibly slowly. They were trying to keep things quiet, enjoying their times alone together before and after work, trying to maintain their just partner status at work, both of them aware of the difficulties of work place relationships yet neither having any answers for how to try and navigate it.

Jay’s apartment was where they spent most of their time. It was closer to the District, had better parking, and no roommates. They lay there now, under the comforter in Jay’s bed, quiet and close. Hailey, half asleep with her head on Jay’s chest while he lazily played with her hair, fingers tracing lines around her bare shoulders, and up and down her back. Every now and then she’d let out a contented sigh as she lingered between sleep and wakefulness.

Jay’s fingers traced an invisible line back up to her shoulder and this time cut across the top of her back, moving her hair along the way. His expression changed from relaxed to curious as his finger felt a slight divot in her skin, a short, straight line that he followed, barely feeling it, losing it then backtracking to find it again. He did and followed it more closely, realizing he lost it because of the turn it took. Exploring the feeling, he realized it turned 4 times, but there was more, something in the middle…gently he moved Hailey’s hair, trying to see what he was touching. He couldn’t make it out at first, then, a scar he realized, but the shape didn’t make sense. It was light pink and white, faded with time, an old injury, but an odd place, and the shape bothered him, it was wrong somehow.

He was a bit more firm with his touch, unintentionally, trying to form a picture, trying to join the different lines to make sense of it. Hailey felt it and roused fast. She pushed up with an inhaled hiss, and looked at him, wondering what he was doing, what he was seeing.

She had roused fast but Jay’s brain was faster as the image came to him. He looked at her, pained and confused. “Hailey…?”

She shook her head. “It’s old Jay. It’s just a scar.” She tried to play it cool. She sat up, reaching for the shirt in a ball on the bed. Evidence from a few hours ago when they’d first entered this room, clothing dripping off of them. It wasn’t hers, she realized as it hung loosely on her, like a short dress as she swung her legs out and placed her feet on the floor. “I’m gonna get a drink. Want anything?” she asked over her shoulder as she made her way to the kitchen.

He was up and following her, pulling on jeans as he went. “An explanation would be nice.” he replied, casually but intently, as he stopped in the doorway of the kitchen, trying to keep the questioning out of his voice but only marginally successful.

“I’m…not seeing that in here,” she called, bending into the refrigerator. She turned and closed the door, holding 2 dark brown bottles of beer. “But I did find these.” She twisted the cap off one and left it on the counter, holding the other bottle toward him.

Jay came in and took the bottle from her, then sat at the small table for 2. Hailey stayed put leaning back against the counter, knowing there was nowhere to go so she may as well stay here.

It was never going to remain secret, she knew that. She knew he’d see, would want to know. She just hadn’t been prepared for the now of it or what she knew would come with it.

Jay sat, taking a swig of beer, and continued to watch her. “Are you gonna tell me about it?”

Hailey ran a hand through her hair, coming to land on the back of her neck and pulling slightly. She walked over to the table and sat. “It’s a scar,” she confirmed quietly.

“It’s…is it a belt buckle?” he asked quietly. He desperately wanted to the answer to be no, to be wrong.

“Yeah.”, she replied, quietly, nodding. She reached over and put a hand over his, continuing. “It was long time ago, Jay.”

She could see the water pooling in his eyes a bit as he processed and imagined. He pulled his hands back and rubbed his face, before running them through his hair, stopping them behind his head. He was struggling with this. “How old were you?”

She gave a tight-lipped smile and shook her head. “Does it matter?”

“Yeah,” Jay nodded, pulling his hands back down. “It does.” He didn’t know why but he needed to know. Nothing would change he knew, if it happened at 5, 9, 13, or 15, but it mattered to him.

Hailey took a breath and absent mindedly began to fiddle with the beer label. “I was 7.” Her lips flattened for a second. “My parents were going somewhere, I don’t remember where, but I know it was a Saturday night.They were dressed up. My mom looked really pretty.” Hailey’s gaze clouded a bit as her mind drifted back in time. “My brother Andrew...he was 9, we were playing football in the living room--just throwing it, pretending to score touchdowns, doing stupid dances…” She took a deep breath. “My dad came downstairs…they were running late and he was already aggravated, told us to quiet down, to‘stop running all over the goddamn house’” she stopped for a second to shrug and smile ruefully at Jay. “But we didn’t listen. We were kids.” That was the explanation. “My mom had given my other brother a list of directions—he was gonna watch us that night. First time. And she said something to my dad about how she was ready first. She was just making a joke but he got really angry. He yelled—a lot--and Andrew and I went in the kitchen. To wait it out….and we thought things were ok. So we started playing around again. We were throwing the ball in the kitchen and it hit the counter, knocked over a coffee mug and some cookbooks or something. Nothing broke, just made a lot of noise. My mom came in, started picking up the counter--and we started playing again.” Her mouth twitched and she took a long swallow from the bottle. “Andrew threw the ball and I caught it. I started doing this…stupid touchdown dance and singing and yelling, just being ridiculous,” she chuckled slightly. “Anyway, I was doing that and my dad had come in to see about my mom, and I banged up right up in to him.”

Jay could see Hailey’s teeth jaw clench, could tell she was nearing the end of the story. The whole time she’d spoken he’d felt frozen in place. He couldn’t move, could only watch her recount what had happened. He felt sick for asking about it, making her talk about it, relive it.

Hailey’s voice dropped a bit as she began to finish and her eyes moved to seeing something past him. “I don’t remember seeing it happen---but I felt it. The slap on my face. And I fell. I was crying….” Her bottom teeth dug up in to her top lip as she paused. “He told me to stop crying but I couldn’t.” She remembered feeling the kick to her ribs, the sound and the pain. “My mom was yelling at my dad, Andrew was crying…and I couldn’t stop.” She remembered the weird feeling of not being able to open her right eye and the taste of blood in her mouth.

Jay knew she was skipping things. The disjointed words were memories from something that happened at 7, yes, but he knew she was holding something back. He wouldn’t push her. If it was worse than what he was already hearing, he didn’t know if he could take it right now. His heart was already in pieces for the 7 year old version of the woman before him.

“I guess I’d rolled over, and he was so mad that I was still crying, and that they were late, and my mom had been cleaning the kitchen…” Hailey subconsciously reached for the back of her neck and rubbed gently. “I guess that’s when… Well….they left not long after that, and Andrew took me upstairs. David had stayed in his room, hid. But they both took care of me that night. Lots of warm washcloths, a _lot_ of gauze.. My mom kept a few frozen washcloths in the freezer for… David read to us, they put on a puppet show…” She trailed off, pulling herself back to Jay and being in the kitchen with him, reaching for his hand again. “Everything healed.” She paused. “I forget it’s there.”

“Hailey,” he choked, reaching for her. She went to him and sat gently in his lap. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know…” So much made sense so fast, how she related to certain cases, certain victims, certain offenders. Jay reached around her, holding her gently and she gave herself over to him, molding in to him the best she could in this position.

“It’s okay, Jay. I’m okay.”

Jay’s anger was fully fueled, wishing he’d have been there to help her, to save her, he silently raged at her father, any parent, able to inflict that on a child. But his heart also opened even more than he thought it could have. To see who and what Hailey had become despite what she’d gone through, lived through.

Gently, he pulled her toward him, planting soft kisses on her neck and jaw, landing on her lips, continuing to kiss her gently and deeply until he needed to breathe. No one should have been treated that way. Hailey should never have been treated that way.

“Jay,” she murmured between kisses.

He lifted her in the next moment, cradling her against his chest and walked her back to his bed.

They’d had sex, made love many times over the two few weeks but not like this. Jay was gentle and soft, revered her, showed her his love in ways that she’d never forget. Made quiet promises to her with his words, his mouth, his touch, whispered apologies even though he hadn’t been the one to hurt her. Tears slipped from Hailey’s eyes as she lay with him now, both boneless and in a state of awareness that no one should be this happy yet they were, they were the lucky ones. Finally.

She lay beside him, chin on his chest drawing shapes, connecting dots haphazardly on the planes of his chest, feeling his breaths and his warmth.

Jay lay on his back, one arm holding Hailey beside him, the other behind his head. He felt her fingers dance across his chest, felt her hair against his shoulder, her body fitting perfectly beside his.

He was full of feelings. They were cluttering his body and his mind and his heart and all he wanted to do was tell Hailey how much she meant to him, how fortunate he felt that she’d taken the job in Intelligence, had put up with him when he was unpleasant and tough to get along with, found and created the chinks in his armor, shown him kindness and respect and beauty and love. Love. It’s what he wanted to tell her. In this moment, desperately. But was it the right time? After she’d shared the story of the scar behind her neck? Right after laying with her beside him in a bed they hadn’t been sleeping in?

While he pondered that, Hailey had her own thoughts. She felt so…full. So whole. A feeling she didn’t remember ever feeling, only wishing that she would. Being here with Jay, in this way, wholly, she trusted him implicitly, both with her body and her heart. At work and elsewhere. She wanted her life to be this moment, these moments, forever. She knew they’d argue—they had before. They’d disagree---they’d done that too. Take time for each other, listen, love….love. There was that word. She did feel love for Jay. Was in love with him, she realized. For who he was, how he made her feel. She wanted to tell him but couldn’t fathom how. Just saying the three words didn’t seem like nearly enough for him to understand what she wanted him to.

She’d try though. Lifting her chin off of him as they lay there in the darkened room, she said his name softly. He turned his head to her, a small dopey smile on his face. He looked happy, she realized. Really happy. Like she felt. She felt something hit her chest, her heart, as he looked at her, locked eyes, and she found she couldn’t speak.

His hand came from behind his head and took her chin, holding her in his eyeline. All she wanted to do was tell him, share this feeling with him and she was frozen. But he looked at her. And he saw. He got it. She knew he did. His hand slid behind her head, letting her read in his eyes the exact same message. “I know,” he told her softly.

She nodded gently as she pushed up, her hands moving to hold the sides of his face, claiming him with a slow, deep kiss. So many kisses. She pulled away finally but kept her position. His eyes opened, saw her above him, wondered how the hell he’d gotten this lucky. He smiled at her then, and she saw in his expression, his eyes, the same thing she’d wanted to tell him.

“Hailey,” he began, lowly. But she stopped him. She hadn’t said it. Didn’t want him to right now. Didn’t need him to. Not when she could feel it. Shaking her head, she put a finger to his lips. “I get it.” she told him, quietly, smiling. “I know.”’

Jay pulled her to him again, kissing her and kissing her, feeling soft skin beneath him, hills and valleys and plains, exploring, until they knew they had to sleep. Hailey put her head back to his chest, peppering it with soft kisses and strokes with her fingers, lulling him to sleep.

She’d shared pain with him tonight and he hadn’t backed away, instead he’d met her and shown her tenderness. Shown her his love. Before she drifted off, Hailey promised herself that she’d always hold on to this night. The first time she’d loved and felt love in return. With Jay.


	9. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey and Jay aren't so good at keeping a secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments! Only thing I own here are the errors.

“Hailey?”

She looked up from her desk to find Voight standing in the doorway of his office. He nodded toward the inside, her invitation to come in, and went back in to wait. Hailey’s eyes went across to the person sitting at the desk in front of her. Jay. He shrugged a bit, saying he didn’t know what it was about.

Hailey pushed her chair back and stood, raising her eyebrows to Jay. She went to step away from her desk but stopped suddenly, one hand going to the corner of her desk and the other at her hip, a grimace on her face. Jay was up immediately.

“Hey, you ok?” he asked, concerned.

Hailey couldn’t speak right away. The pain had flashed suddenly, one she couldn’t name, and tried to breathe. As fast as it come on, it was already slowly fading. She swallowed hard. “Yeah, tweaked something.” She gave him a small smile. “All good.” Really it was probably due to last night’s activities in his bed, she wanted to tell him, tease him. She was gonna have to start stretching first.

The flash of pain was just a memory by the time she took a seat in her boss’ office, facing him as he sat at his desk.

“I wanted to check in, see how you’re doing.” he told hold her.

She nodded. “I’m going through all the pods on Roosevelt between 18th and 27th, and have a few calls in to CIs to see if they’ve heard anything.” She updated him on where she was on their current case.

“Hm,” he grunted. “That’s all good,” he nodded. “But I’m more interested in how _you’re_ doing.”

She simply looked at him, continuing to play everything close to the vest when it came to her boss. 

“All good,” she assured him.

“You’re doing good work, on your game. Halstead’s briefings jibe with what I see so he and I won’t need to have those discussions anymore.” She was off probation. “Though I’m not so sure how objective they’ve become…

The relief she’d felt about hearing her position was solid again was quickly replaced by confusion. She cleared her throat and tried to focus on the first part of what he’d said. “Um. I’ve..I’m glad I’m here. I love working in Intelligence. This is the place I want to be.”

He nodded, mulling over her words. “You seem...happier.” He looked over her, out the window to the bullpen. “Your partner does too.” he mused, raising an eyebrow.

Hailey knew he was reaching out to her, fishing. But she had no idea how to reach back. The night she was told she was going to NY, the way he’d swept his desk, yelled--whatever the intention had been, it had obliterated the bridge they’d had between them. And she didn’t know how to rebuild it. Or if she could.

She licked her lips, trying to find the right words that would answer his question, satisfy his curiosity, without giving too much away. _Keep it simple Hailey_. “I am.” She took a quick breath. “And, Jay and I are good. We’re working well together.”

“I see that,” came his quick reply.

Hailey looked down, knew that he knew. She thought they’d done a good job of being low key at work but she should’ve know, they should’ve known, Voight was Voight.

Her mouth worked for a moment trying to form words but being unable to do so. Finally she was able to speak, albeit slowly, “I guess I’ll pull those HR forms.” 

“I think we can wait on that.” She looked up, surprised. “For now. You’re doing good Hailey. Whatever the reason, I’m glad for it. For you. And if it were my place to say it, I’d say for the both of you.”

Hailey wanted him to know that she was grateful. She was so walled off to him at this level though it was hard to show. 

“But it’s not. So…well, we’ll just leave it at that.”

“Thank you, Sarge.” she said quietly, with a small smile. Using the familiar term for him, to him, had spilled out. It was the first time she’d called him that since she’d been back.

“Ok,” he answered. They sat that way for a moment, neither one saying anything. Hank was waiting for her to say something to him, he’d take anything, and Hailey simply didn’t know what to say to him that wasn’t work related. He took the control back. “Let me know what you get on those pods when they come through.”

The relief Hailey felt at talking the case flooded through her. “Will do,” she answered strongly, standing. She got to the doorway and stopped, turning a bit to speak over her shoulder. “Thank you….again.” 

“Mm,” he grunted in response. “Close it on your way out.” Hailey walked out, doing as he asked.

Jay stood up as she came out, nodding toward the break room as he moved past her. She took a quick glance around the bullpen. Kim and Adam had already left and it looked like Kevin was harassing Rojas to finish up. “I’m telling you right now, if there aren’t any seats open at Molly’s by the time we get there I’m sitting my ass in your lap” she heard him razz as she walked to the break room.

“What the hell was that?” Jay asked as she walked in. 

She held up a hand, asking that he stand down a bit. “A check in,” she assured him. “But--” she glanced out to the bullpen. Even though it was only Atwater and Rojas out there she wasn’t entirely comfortable talking about ‘them’ here. “Can we talk about this at my place?”

“Hailey,” he sighed, taking a step toward her.

She smirked, putting her hand out, stopping him from coming closer, a weakness of hers especially at work. “Ok, A) you don’t play fair.”

His upset was gone and he smirked back at her in return. 

“And B) I have about an hours worth of work to do first and then I can meet you there.”

He gave her a bit of side eye before breaking in to a genuine smile. He touched her shoulder and pulled down the length of her arm to her hand, holding it for a second as he walked out to his desk, nodding.

  
They were putting away the leftovers in Hailey’s kitchen after a take-out dinner.

“So that’s it?” Jay questioned. “See how you’re doing? That’s actually kind of sweet.”

She shot him a look as she closed the refrigerator, putting away the last container. “Well let’s see how you sweet you think this next part is--” her head tilted as she gave him a pointed look. “He knows about us.”

“He knows about us?” Jay parroted, the words not computing. That couldn’t be. They kept it quiet, didn’t change their behaviors at work, they…

“I see you thinking.” She told him as she leaned forward against the kitchen island. “It’s not anything we ‘did’ specifically. He said we looked ‘happy’” she used air quotes on the last word.

Jay took a deep breath as he took a seat at the island, facing her. “Huh. Happy. Well…” he rubbed his face. “Yeah, that’s one thing I guess I never thought about hiding.” They’d been more focused on their actions than their demeanor. “So paperwork will be on our desks first thing in the morning I’m guessing.”

“Surprisingly no.” she told him. “And I do mean surprisingly. I said the same thing and he said…he said he was just glad we were happy.” she shrugged.

“Are you serious?”

Hailey raised her eyebrows. “Dead.”

Jay took a beat before asking “What’d you say?”

“What’d I say? I didn’t _know_ what to say. I think I said, ‘thank you.”

“You said ‘thank you?’” he chuckled. “Like he threw you a pen?”

Hailey’s face darkened a bit. “ **Jay**. I didn’t know what to say. It’s like I don’t even know how to talk to him.” She shrugged, biting her lip, as she walked around to him.

“Hey,” he put his arms out to her and she melted into them. He kissed the side of her head, smoothing her hair back. “You know he looks out for you.” She pulled back and looked at him.“Voight is who he is. And you know who that is. You trusted him for years Hailey.” He reminded her.

She sighed, moving away to sit on the stool beside him. If only it was that easy for her.

Jay pursed his lips, his brow furrowed as he thought about the best way he could say this. “All I’m saying is, you know Voight. You know how he operates, how he thinks of you.” _A daughter_ , didn’t need to be said. They both knew it. “If you can…” he dropped his voice, making it soft. “If you can talk to your parents, I think you can talk to Voight.”

Her head snapped over to him, meeting his eyes.

“What happened with him happened one time. Once.” Jay held up his pointer finger. “And I’m not making excuses for him Hailey, but I think--just going off of what you told me, as angry as he was…I think he was really scared. For you, for what you were…the direction you were heading.”

Hailey looked away, still embarrassed over her actions, for having them brought back up. She’d be so happy if they were never mentioned again. She felt the tears threaten and, put a hand to her eyes trying to ward them off. 

Jay stood, and swiveled her stool back around to meet him. He stepped in to her knees. “You’re in a good place now.” he grinned at her, running his hands from her knees to her wrists and up to her shoulders. “And evidently…” his grin turned to the shit-eating kind. “You—“ he dipped his head to kiss the right side of her neck. “…look….” He moved to the left side as she tilted her head for him. “happy.” He kissed her softly, holding both sides of her face as her arms slid up behind him, holding his back and pulling him closer. He pulled back just a bit. “And beautiful.”

She blushed a bit at the compliment. Even after a bit more than 2 months, she still sometimes found it hard to believe that this is where they were. Voight was right. She was happy. Because of Jay, with Jay. “I am happy,” she told him, looking him in the eye. “But I think maybe I could be happier,” she told him coyly, as she took his hand and led him to the stairs that led upstairs to her bedroom. 


	10. Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A typical morning? No such thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos! I love them all! Heading somewhere with this I promise :-) Only thing I own are the errors.

“Morning, Jay,” Vanessa greeted him as he walked in to the kitchen. “Coffee’s ready.” She held her own already filled mug up to him. While they didn’t spend the majority of their nights at Hailey’s, it was enough that both Vanessa and Jay had become comfortable with their early morning meetings in the kitchen.

“You’re a blessing” he deadpanned, making his way to the coffee machine. Coffee was a necessity for him first thing in the morning. He poured into a mug and sipped. “Heard you were at Molly’s last night. How was that?”

“Mmm,” she sighed. “Great. Too great maybe for a night before a work day.”

Jay chuckled. “Copy that.” He’d had his share of late nights followed by early days. Their schedules didn’t allow for weekends off though so you took your fun where you could find it.

“People were asking for you guys.”

“Yeah? Who was there?”

“Some guys from 51, your brother—“

“Will was there?” That was unusual these days.

“Mm hm. He was there with…some woman from Med, I think? I don’t know…Hailey up?”

His head swiveled toward the stairs. “Yeah, just getting out of the shower. We’re going for breakfast…if you want to join” he added.

Vanessa smirked knowing full well he didn’t really want outside company. She may not have known Jay Halstead as long as anyone else but she knew with certainty that the only person he really wanted to spend time with, have breakfast with, was her roommate. The guys at Molly’s last night were lamenting his lack of ‘bro time’ lately and did anyone know what was up with his invisible man routine. Vanessa had hidden her smirk behind her gin and tonic as no one gave up their own suspicions.

“I’m good,” she told him. “But thanks. Actually getting ready to head out in a sec. See you at the district.”

He nodded, holding up his mug to her.

Vanessa had gone up to her room to grab her jacket and was passing Hailey’s and stopped. “Hey, you ok?”

Hailey was sitting on the side of her bed, head down by her knees. “Yeah,” she said from that position. “Head rush.”

Vanessa wasn’t sure if she should investigate further or just believe and go. She chose the former and walked in, crouching down in front of her roommate.

“You sure?”

Hailey was exhaling a deep breath, her eyes closed. “Absolutely,” she asserted, lifted her head a bit, testing the waters. She blinked a few times, clearing her head. “Whew, just a little lightheaded. I think I need a **_big_** cup of coffee. Like now.” she smiled.

A smile spread across Vanessa’s face. Aside from looking a little bit pale, Hailey seemed fine. “I hear that. Jay’s downstairs, already ahead of you.”

Hailey nodded, and stood, wiping her palms against her jeans. “Gotta catch up then.” They began the walk out and down the stairs. “Join us for breakfast?”

“Invited and declined.” she smirked. “But thanks. See you guys at the district.” Vanessa walked straight out the door while Hailey banked right heading in to the kitchen. Jay was standing, looking out the kitchen window. She walked up behind him and planted her hands against his back, leaning forward and planting a kiss in the middle of his shirt.

“Hey,” he turned around, smiling. He kissed her forehead. “I.am. _starving_.”

“I hear you,” she told him, backing up to head for her jacket hanging on a hook. “These nights are starting to catch up with me.” She shrugged into her jacket and caught Jay’s look. The blush on her cheeks flared fast. “Not that I’m complaining.”

He walked over and reached for his own jacket. “Our next quiet day, if that exists--.” he grinned, “we’ll make the most of that and use the night for a solid 8 hours of sleep.” He teased as he put on his own jacket. Hailey smiled happily as she felt his hand on her lower back, and they were out the door.

Their food had been eaten and their plates had been cleared, their radios taking their place on the table. But they still had a solid 30 minutes before they had to leave for work. Hailey leaned back in her seat, holding her coffee mug with 2 hands in front of her chest. “I gotta tell ya, I am a fan of these lazy mornings.” She smiled at him as he sat across from her.

“Copy that.” Jay raised his eyebrows, a smile flashing across his face. “Though I’m a fan of a lot of things lately.”

The blush returned to Hailey’s cheeks as she lost the fight to hide a smile and she looked out the window. “We’re gonna have to work on our work-faces, not look quite so happy.” she mused.

“Yeah,” Jay put down his mug. “About that..I was thinking about it and…why.”

“Why what?” her attention pulled back to him.

“Hailey. Voight is right. I _am_ happy.” He reached across the table. She let go of the mug with one hand and gave that to him. “And to be honest, I’m getting a little tired of watching what I say, what I do, around you at work. Worrying if I touched you wrong or if it was right or..I mean, it’s been what, two and a half months we’ve been together now, and--”

“No, I get it.” She did. They weren’t a secret, necessarily. They had just been operating under a neither confirm nor deny philosophy. Voight knowing definitely tipped her thinking toward the confirmation side now.

Their radios came to life. _Units in the 21 st district and units on the city wide, we have multiple reports of armed robbery reported at 3408 Cermark, offenders still on site. Responding units advise._

“That’s us,” Jay reached for his radio.

“Just a few blocks from here,” Hailey replied, standing, putting on her coat.

“5021 George squad, be advised plainclothes units responding to that armed robbery on Cermark and will be on site” Jay spoke in to his radio as they walked out the door.

The two offenders had come flying out the front just as Jay and Hailey were walking up.

Jay called for the kid on the right while she followed the other one as he doubled back through the side yard.

Hailey had been in the chase for what seemed like forever, running left and right, then straight and left again. This kid either knew this area like the back of his hand or he was incredibly lucky, either way it made it hard for her to chance a cut off. They’d been running hard for a while now and she was grateful when she heard her unit announce its presence over the radio. She heard Jay give his location and she’d given hers to the best of where she thought she was. She’d just cleared an alley, and cut through a side yard when she heard the nearby gunfire. The offender running ahead of her heard it too and slowed for a moment, giving her the edge she needed.

Jay’s voice came over the radio as she closed the distance on the kid in front of her. “5021 George, emergency, offender down, gsw to the shoulder, roll an ambo to 4347 Roosevelt.” One down. Now she just needed to work her tired legs a bit more, push harder, and get the second.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Kevin come up on her right and break past her, inching closer to the kid who had reached a fence and was trying to scramble over it. Kevin easily grabbed him down from the foothold he’d gotten and had him face down in the dirt.

Hailey slowed as she reached the fence, feeling lightheaded. Kev was looking at her as he cuffed, and she realized he was saying something. Something she didn’t understand. Blinking repeatedly, Hailey was only mildly aware that her head felt strange, dizzy. Standing wasn’t something she could do much longer. She found herself taking a step toward the fence and sliding down it, finding the solidity of the ground barely halted the topsy-turvy feeling that was rolling over her. She kept an arm behind her, holding on to the fence, one leg splayed in front with the other under her, trying to focus and blink, and get right.

Kevin had the kid up on his feet now and called in to his collar for anyone available to make his location asap. For Hailey. He’d seen her go pale in a split second, no obvious cause, stumble to the fence and slide down. He’d called her name, asked if she was okay, and she’d just looked at him like he was speaking an alien language.

Slowly she was coming out of it. When she did, Adam was beside her, asking if she was ok, asking Kevin what happened. Jay came running up a few seconds later, crouching down in front of her as Adam stepped aside.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he looked her over, face full of concern. “You okay? You hurt?” His hands rubbed up and down her arms, shoulders to wrists, looking her over.

She blinked a few more times and took a deep breath. “Yeah,” she was slightly confused. “I just—I don’t know, I got dizzy.”

“You okay to stand?” Jay asked and she nodded. He gently pulled her up.

Kevin was walking the kid over to the patrol cars that had pulled up, but first stopped in front of Hailey. “You good?”

She gave him a wan smile. “Yeah, I think so. Sorry,” she told him, looking at the kid in cuffs. “Glad you were here.”

Kevin bumped her shoulder with his fist and walked the kid toward the waiting cops. Adam stepped to Hailey. “Sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah,” she told him quietly. “I’m good. Thanks.”

“Okay,” Adam looked to Jay, wondering what had happened. “I’m gonna go hold the ambo.” Jay nodded at him, thankful and then it was just Jay and Hailey.

“Ready to walk?” he asked her gently.

“I’m f _ine_ , Jay. Honestly. I just feel stupid.” She put the heels of her palms in her eyes, and rubbed hard, trying to get rid of the last remnant of fuzziness in her brain. “My breathing was off,” she explained. 

“That’s great,” Jay deadpanned. “Doesn’t sound like it’ll take a long time to get checked out then. Let’s go.”

Hailey knew there was no getting out of it so groaned loudly just so he knew she was only going to appease him. He kept a hand at her back and walked beside her, his own heart pumping hard. She did look ok though, he thought.

Sylvie Brett and Emily Foster were waiting for her. “Thanks guys,” Jay said as they walked up.

“We had a second rig roll up so they took your guy to med.” Foster explained. “What happened?”

Hailey inhaled deeply, feeling much, much better, clear again. “I was giving chase and just—felt like things were going sideways, got dizzy…I feel fine now.” She shrugged.

She sat on the back of the ambulance and had her blood pressure taken and other vitals checked. All were good. She gave a knowing smile to Jay, to which he responded with a smirk. 

“Pain anywhere?” Sylvie asked.

“None.”

“Well,” Sylvie replied. “Looks like you’re good to go. Make sure you’re regulating your breathing when you’re running like that. These kids just seem younger and faster all the time, and we’re just getting older. Hard to keep up sometimes.” she grinned.

“Yeah, that excuse won’t fly with our boss.” Hailey said, stating the obvious.

“Speak of the devil,” Emily muttered, looking to Sylvie as they began to pack up. A car had just pulled up and the sergeant from Intelligence was getting out.

“If it happens again, get yourself checked out. Immediately.” Sylvie charged as they picked up their gear and began to store it.

“You okay?” Voight asked as she stood from the ambulance, walking a few feet as Emily closed the rear doors and headed to the driver’s seat. She and Sylvie drove off.

“Yeah,” she told him, embarrassed by the attention.

He looked to Jay for confirmation and got it. “All cleared Sarge.”

“What happened?” Voight looked back to Hailey.

“Ran hard, didn’t control my breathing…not something that’ll happen again.” She told him with a harder edge to her voice. She couldn’t believe she’d done this. Total rookie mistake not to regulate your breathing. It was basic, something she was trained to do. Had done for years. Yet, somehow today she’d let it get away from her.

Voight studied her for a moment before nodding, “Okay. Well both offenders are in custody. One’s on the way to med and the other is heading to the district. Burgess and Adam can take Med, you two back to the district.” He headed back to his car.

Hailey immediately put her hand up to Jay. “Before you say anything, you heard them, I’m fine. Seriously. Aside from a case of acute embarrassment, I’m all good.” She ran a hand through her hair.

“Ok.” He pulled her into his side as they started the walk back to his truck. She was his partner and this was their job. She said she was good, she was good. That was the only way them working together would work. Maintaining their trust and belief in each other.

Hailey took her seat beside Jay in his truck, grateful she wasn’t driving. That run had exhausted her. “First thing I’m gonna do when we hit the district is a get a cup of coffee. I don’t even care how bad it is,” she murmured. She rested her head against the window and allowed herself to drift.

Jay’s eyes were on the road except for the times he glanced sideways at Hailey. It wasn’t a lie to say their nighttime activities did, at times, take up much of the night. He was tired too but not like she’d been this week. Maybe tonight they’d just get a pizza, watch some tv and sleep. Really sleep.

Hailey woke to her shoulder being shaken gently. “I did not fall asleep,” she defended immediately.

Jay grinned. “Whatever you say.”

They checked in with Trudy before heading upstairs to their desks. Hailey dropped her coat on her chair then bee lined it for coffee. On the way back to her desk she stopped briefly at Kim’s desk, “Hey, you get the offender’s names from this morning?” She sipped her coffee.

“Yeah, got em both. Running one now, so far a few priors for smash and grab, nothing that merits a jump to armed robbery.”

“Want to give me the other name and I’ll run it?”

“Sure,” Kim gave it to her with a smile.

“What?” Hailey asked.

“Missed you at Molly’s last night…” Kim smirked.

Hailey smirked back, blinking. “You got something you want to say Burgess?” she baited.

“No not at all,” Kim replied playfully. “Just saying we missed you---and Jay…”

Hailey continuing with her smirk, nodded and gave a knowing “Mmm” before opening her mouth to add something. But she stopped abruptly.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, I--” Hailey looked confused, “I’ll be back,” she murmured, and moved away, heading down the hall.

Kim watched her go and after a minute went after her. She’d checked the locker room and found it empty. Now she entered the ladies room to find Hailey exiting a stall and standing at the sink.

“You scared me out there, you good?”

“Yeah,” Hailey nodded. “No…. I don’t know.”

“Well that definitely covers all possible answers,” Kim led.

Hailey washed her hands, then turned to Kim as she dried them. “The job we do,” her mouth twitched. “it doesn’t allow for inconveniences. Or unplanned pregnancies…”

Kim started walking to her fast, “Shit, Hailey, are you--” the words came out fast.

“God no,” Hailey scoffed, cutting her off. “But that’s kind of the point.” She had a hand on her abdomen. “Kim, I have an iud. No periods, no pregnancies. Until just now. And not the pregnancy part.” she assured her friend. “I haven’t felt like this since I was in high school…” Hailey groaned.

“Hold tight, I got you.” Kim disappeared into the locker room where Hailey could hear the opening and close of the metal door. Kim reappeared with 2 pills in her hand.

“You’re a godsend,” she told her friend as she popped them in her mouth. Hailey crossed an arm across her abdomen and used it to bracket her elbow, her hand across her eyes. “Shit,” she muttered. It had been such a great morning.

“Might be worth a call to your dr” Kim offered.

“Yeah, maybe,” Hailey replied. “It’s not bad, it’s just,” she leaned back against the sink. “I forgot that it hurts. ….” She grimaced and exhaled sharply. She clasped her hands together as she spoke, “Well, I’m _not_ dying so let’s get back to work.” She forced herself up off the sink and smiled at her friend. “I’ll get that name from you and run it…” They continued back to the bullpen, and the unit was in place for the rest of the day. The kid at med confessed once he heard how quickly his friend at the district flipped and pinned the blame on him. With all the information pointing at him it was a pretty smart move. Made for an easy day in the bullpen too.

The sky was darkening as they all walked outside. “Molly’s?” Adam asked. Vanessa groaned and bowed out fast, making her way to her car. The rest of them were in.

“Wait, are you actually coming out with us?” Adam feigned shock as he pointed at Jay. “And you too?” he moved to Hailey.

“I’m good for one but I didn’t drive in today so…” she looked to Jay.

“Jay’s taxi service will be up and running this evening so you’re in luck.”

“To Molly’s!” Kevin shouted.

The small group began walking, splitting off to their various cars.

“Is it still a taxi service if the driver just brings you home with him?” Adam whispered to Kevin and Kim who snickered.


	11. Moving forward when the floor falls out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fun evening ends with unanswered questions for Jay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a doctor nor do I play one on tv. Google was my guide. If there are any errors I apologize in advance. I don't own any of the characters, that's Dick Wolf's enviable job.

Hailey and Jay listened to the radio during the short ride to Molly’s. He had one hand on the wheel and the other on Hailey’s thigh while she placed hers on top of his. 

She’d been thinking about her day as they rode along and let out a long sigh. “I will _not_ be sad to leave this day behind,” she looked over to him. “Started out great” she smiled pointedly at him. “Then it just seemed to be a pretty downhill shot.”

“Well. Molly’s will be fun. Good way to end it, right?”

Hailey pursed her lips, her heart full as she looked at him and smiled in agreement.

The truck coasted in to a parking spot and Jay turned off the ignition.

“Hey,” Hailey stopped him. “Before we go in, can we talk for a minute?”

“Yeah, sure. What’s up?” This wasn’t a typical Upton move, so he was especially interested.

She took in a deep breath. “Jay, listen, I don’t think it’s any secret that my personal life hasn’t exactly had any gold paved roads…. And I think you know this, but I haven’t said it, haven’t told you…yet. And I want to…I want you to know…”

Jay was smiling at her, looking genuinely happy, guessing her thought pattern. “Hailey, I know,” he assured her as his hand reached up and cupped the side of her face.

She smiled. “Yeah, but…I still want to say it. To tell you.” She unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to face him all the way. “Just saying it doesn’t seem like enough…but I don’t, God this was not nearly this pathetic when I thought about it—I wanted to …... "S he sighed. "I love you Jay.” She finished simply.

Jay knew he was just sitting there, grinning like an idiot. He’d been in love before but it was so incredibly different. This though. This felt like everything. It was one thing to have feelings for someone, and for so long without ever acting, and it was one thing to name the feelings and know it was love. Then to actually be with that person in every which way was like a dream. To know that that person felt the same way about you. But to hear it? Jay didn’t know that he’d needed to but watching her say it, hearing her say it, made every other special experience in his life seem like nothing.

Hailey didn’t quite know what to do with herself as she sat there. She meant the words with all of her heart but saying them out loud was new for her. Her eyes dipped down. “Oh-kayy so…” she gave a slight nod. “Let’s go in.” She turned to open to the door but heard Jay’s voice.

“Hailey.” As she turned toward him, he put a hand behind her head and pulled her close, kissing her deeply. He didn’t pull away until he truly needed to breathe, and even then kept a hold of the back of her head, keeping her close. “I really am the luckiest guy” he whispered.

“Yeah?” she whispered back, grinning.

“No doubt.” He pulled her to him again, kissing her with all he had.

This time it was Hailey who pulled back. “Seriously, Jay? We either need to stop now and go inside…or we’re bagging it and going back to your place.”

He saw her eyes darkening with want, certain his were the same. He took a moment to purposely control his breathing and close his eyes. “K, here’s the plan. 2 drinks then my place.”

“Copy that,” she stole another kiss before turning and exiting the truck, grateful for the fresh air.

Jay met her at the front of the truck and they walked to the front door of the bar, shoulder to shoulder.

They walked in to the festive light of the bar and said a quick hi to Hermann and Stella behind the bar before spotting their friends at a group of hi-tops that had been pulled together.

“Hey, what’s up, man?” Jay gave a one-armed hug to his brother. “Didn’t know you’d be here tonight.”

“It was a good day,” he smiled at his brother. “Worthy of a drink or two.” He turned his attention to the woman who’d walked in with Jay. “Hi Hailey, good to see you.”

She smiled at him and greeted him in return before turning back to Jay. “I’ll grab seats?” Jay nodded in agreement and turned back to his brother as Hailey joined the unit.

“Sooo?” Will drew out.

Jay knew exactly what his brother was doing but out of habit or instinct he played dumb. “Sooo what?”

Will shot him a look. “You and Hailey? You look pretty—comfortable…together?”

Jay opened his mouth to reply but realized Will hadn’t really asked him anything. 

So Will continued, “Hey, you know I like her but…your partner? Is that smart?”

Jay could hear the unspoken ‘again’ and sighed. “This is different Will. It’s….” he nodded a bit. “really different.”

To say Will was caught off guard would be an understatement. “Have I had too much to drink or did you just admit that you two are…” Will turned his head to see Hailey laughing at the next table with Kim.

Will was about to give him shit over it, both seriously and kidding but Jay’s face was pretty tight. He really was serious about this. About her. He’d respect it. “How long?” he asked.

Jay gave him the half smile. “’bout 2 and a half months. Since she got back. Wasn’t planned but it happened and…Will…” his smile broadened. “It’s pretty great.”

Kevin tapped Will’s shoulder and gave him a bottle of beer to pass to Jay. He obliged and caught Hailey’s eye as he did so, knowing immediately that the drink had come from her. Her own beer bottle sat in front of her along with an empty shot glass.

Jay continued as he accepted the beer. “I didn’t know…” He took a sip. “I didn’t know it could feel like this.”

“Oh man,” Will smirked as he turned back to him. “You got it bad.”

Jay tilted his head, accepting the statement and drank his beer.

“I’m happy for you Jay.” Will told him, earnestly. Then leaned in to whisper conspiratorially, “Don’t fuck it up.” before pulling back, grinning.

Jay laughed hard, tilting his head back. “That’s the plan.”

Will nodded, turning back to the his friends while Jay sidestepped the people around the tables and made his way over to Hailey and their friends. “Hey, thanks for this,” he told her.

She had just finished a shot and was wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Mm, welcome.” She chased the clear liquid with a swig of her beer and put up her hands in surrender, blowing out a breath. “Kim, that’s it. I’m done. 2’s my limit tonight. Seriously.”

Kim was 2 shots ahead of her and Adam was a few more than that. Hailey was already feeling the effects of the strong alcohol and had the presence of mind to call it. Kim rolled her eyes at her and turned back to Adam and Kevin.

“She’s feeling no pain I see.” Jay said, bending down to Hailey’s ear.

“Yeah, well, let’s see what she’s feeling tomorrow.” Hailey quipped. “How’s Will?”

“He’s good. He’s Will.”

“Thank you for that amazing share. A veritable fountain of information.” she teased. He mock frowned at her and she ignored it. “Hey, are you up for karaoke tonight?” she asked.

Jay nearly choked on his beer. “For your information, I am _never_ up for karaoke. Ain’t happening.”

“Party pooper,” Hailey pretend pouted.

He bent to her ear. “Besides, didn’t we have a 2 drink agreement? Looks like you’re already at 3…” he waved his beer bottle at the 2 shot glasses and beer in front of Hailey.

She nodded. “True. And I am _feeling_ them.” She stood from her stool and wavered. Jay caught her, putting his own bottle on the table.

“Hey there light-weight, you good?” he teased.

She was blinking heavily at him. “Yeah, those just went right to my head.” She tried to smile at him then grimaced a bit. “Actually, I’m not feeling that great…be right back…” she held the table and tentatively made her way toward the ladies room. Jay was looking at Kim for some help but she wasn’t going to be able to offer much seeing she was already way ahead of Hailey. His attention was grabbed by Stella Kidd.  
  


“Don’t worry, I got her.” she told Jay. She’d noticed Hailey’s wobbly exit from the table.

Jay lifted his beer to Stella in thanks and turned back to the small group. Will reappeared at his side.

“Hey, she ok?” he asked. “Looked a little green…”

“Hailey? Yeah, 2 shots with Bad Influence Burgess over here…” he grinned at Kim who only pretended to be insulted. “hit her a little fast.”

"Hey, Greek Girl can drink me under the table any day” Kim defended.

Will nodded and looked down the hall to where the bathrooms were before turning back to Jay and his friends, quickly engrossed in a story being told by Adam.

Hailey was at the bathroom door when Stella caught up to her. “Hey, yeah, let’s get you inside,” she told her. “You ok?”

“Mm hm,” Hailey murmured. God, was her heart really beating this fast? She put a hand to her chest to feel it. Felt too fast. Stella was beside her, guiding her in and to the sink. She quickly wet a paper towel and began to pat it around Hailey’s temples, her fingers quickly feeling the rapid pulsepoint on her neck. "I don't think..I .." she slurred. Her breathing too fast.. …couldn’t catch it….. things were spinning. 

Another customer walked in to the bathroom. Stella spoke up calm and fast. “Hey, turn around right now and go to the bar and tell whoever's there to call 911. **_Now_**.” The woman took few seconds to look at the scene before her and backed out slowly. “ ** _Hurry_**!” Stella ordered.

“Okay, Hailey, take it easy, you’re okay. I’ve got you.” she comforted.

The words were barely out of her mouth when Hailey’s legs buckled, and Stella, instead of fighting gravity, held her then lay her on the floor, keeping a finger on her pulse…and watched as Hailey’s eyes rolled up her head.

“Help! I need help in here!” she began yelling.

Will was at the bar, had just given his credit card to the bartender for his tab when a woman pushed her way quickly beside him, “Excuse me? **Excuse me,** there’s a woman sick in the bathroom…the woman with her said for you to call 911…” The bartender’s face registered quick concern as she reached for the phone under the counter.

“Who’s sick?” Will asked her.

She held up her hands. “I don’t know. The other lady's helping her…blonde…I don’t know…” she looked back at the woman behind the bar on the phone, giving the non-information she’d been given. “Yeah ok,” she finished, handing the phone back to the woman. “They said for you to give this to the person who told you to call, but they’re sending an ambulance.” She said quickly. Will grabbed it first and bellowed over the heads between him and the table he'd come from. “ **Jay!”**

Jay had been smiling and looked over at Will, looked to see a worried looking brother. “ **Hailey**!” and a motion to follow was all he gave by way of explanation, and started fast down the hallway to the bathrooms with a confused Jay following him.

Will pushed open the door to the women’s bathroom to find Stella on the floor with Hailey’s head in her lap. “Thank God” Stella breathed.

Jay couldn't process the scene. He forced himself to move and was on the floor with Hailey in a flash. “Hailey?” he said her name but she didn’t respond. “ ** _What happened?_** ” he looked to Stella for answers.

Will realized he still had the phone and put it up to his ear. “This is Dr.Will Halstead. I have an early 30s woman in distress, unconscious.” He put the phone on speaker and handed it to Stella as he began an initial assessment, checking her pupil response, heart rate and pulse, whatever he could without equipment and was reporting his findings to the operator on the phone. “Pale, tachycardic…” He took hold of one of Hailey’s fingers and pushed hard on the pad, watching the response. He grimaced, not liking it, and continued to speak to the operator, “Prolonged capillary refill..” The operator finished relaying the info and gave an eta of the amublance's arrival of 1 minute.

Jay was losing it. “Will, what’s that **_mean_**?”

Will only gave him a quick glance before his eyes went back to Hailey, “I don’t know Jay,” he rubbed a hand over his face. “Signs of shock but I don't know why?”

Stella looked to Jay. “You got her? I’m gonna go clear the back entrance for the ambo and clear the hall.”

Jay’s eyes were wild but he quickly took Stella’s spot on the floor and traded her lap for his under Hailey’s head.

“She was _fine_ 10 minutes ago, we were just getting ready to leave..” Jay said mostly to himself trying to make sense of things.

“Was she feeling okay?”

“Yeah, you saw her, she was fine,” Jay snapped defensively. “ _She was out there having a good time, did a few shots with Kim_ …” he looked down at Hailey and smoothed her hair from her forehead and withdrew his hand briefly as if burned. Will looked at him quizzically.

“She’s cold.”

Will put a hand to her skin. “Clammy.” Definitely shock, he thought. Which could be treated at Med but they’d have to find the underlying cause. “She hasn’t been sick? Hurt at work? Anything?”

Jay was trying, wracking his brain but it couldn’t travel past this moment, seeing Hailey like this. A clattering sound from the hallway announced the arrival of the paramedics only a second before they came through the door. Everything was in full speed from that moment on as they did their own assessment, Will repeating the info he'd given the emergency response operator. “You riding with us?” the paramedic asked, looking at Jay.

“He is,” Will stepped in, seeing Jay still struggling with the reality of the situation. He turned to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “You ride with them, I’ll meet you at Med. She’s in good hands, Jay.”

He nodded just a bit as he moved with the paramedics as the gurney Hailey now lay on was lifted and they began to roll her out. “Can you tell…”

“Go!” Will told him emphatically. _Jesus_ , Will thought as he rubbed his face. He didn’t know what the hell had just happened in here. He exhaled loudly and walked out to meet Stella. “They’d like some answers.” Her gaze went to the small group that had gathered at the mouth of the hallway, waiting. The Intelligence unit.

He walked over to them with his hands up. “Guys, I don’t know what you heard out here but Hailey’s on her way to Med. Jay’s with her.” The looks flew around the group and Will put up a hand to stem the questions he knew were about to flood his way. “I don’t know what happened. She passed out...I did a preliminary assessment and I’d say she’s in shock. The doctors at Med will find out why. Jay’s with her and I’m on my way over now if anyone needs a ride.” He knew they’d been drinking and Kevin, Kim and Adam quickly grabbed their things and followed Will out to his car.

The drive was silent as each of them offered up their own prayer that would allow Hailey to be okay.

"I'll call Voight," Adam offered quietly.

"I got Vanessa," Kevin replied as they each pulled out their phones.

In the ambulance, Jay sat beside Hailey, holding her hand as she was hooked up to an IV and monitors.It wasn't a long drive but it felt like forever. 

As they pulled into the ambulance bay Hailey roused a bit. “Jay?” she murmured, seeing him above her.

“Hey,” he smiled at her through a thick veil of worry. “Hey, I’m right here…”

“What’s..?” Hailey was interrupted by a paramedic on the other side.

“Hailey, I’m going to push down on your abdomen, ok?”

She didn’t have time to answer as the gloved hands pushed down and let go immediately. Hailey’s outburst of pain was a clear answer to the question the paramedic hadn’t asked. The rig stopped and the driver was now at the back and opening the rear doors. The ED doctors were waiting for the handoff of patient and information. As Jay followed the gurney out and in to the hospital he heard the paramedic update the doctor, “She came around about 2 minutes ago. Abdominal rebound tenderness and guarding present...”

One of the nurses went to Jay and stopped him from walking along with Hailey and the others.

“Detective,” she said softly but firmly. This wasn’t her first day. “The doctors are going to check her over, see what’s going on. We’ll update you as soon as we can.” She had maneuvered him to the waiting room, he realized as he felt a chair meet the back of his knees.

Jay felt like he should be yelling, demanding to see her, but he was in such a fog by what had happened. Right now they should be pulling in to his parking lot, making their way up the stairs in his building…he’d had plans for them tonight. Hailey had told him earlier that she loved him and he hadn’t said it back. He’d kissed her instead, something he’s done a million times. But didn’t say it back even though he meant it. Didn’t say the thing he’d never said. He hadn’t wanted it be so reactive. He’d wanted time with her to say it. He’d wanted to say it tonight. But now they weren’t in his car, his apartment, on his couch, in his bed, he wasn’t saying those words to her and watching her face.

Instead he was sitting in a near empty waiting room at Chicago Med.

A few minutes later his unit, including Vanessa, came in.

“Hey brother, any news?” Adam asked him.

Jay just shook his head before catching Vanessa’s eye.

“Jay, what the hell happened?

He was at a loss and his voice broke as he spoke. “I don’t—I have no idea.”


	12. News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay finds out what's wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a dr nor do I play one on tv. Google was my guide and so obviously very broad strokes were used with the medical lingo and procedures. It's very probable that this isn't accurate so if you're reading with your medical glasses on...please be kind :-) Thank you so much for the wonderful feedback and comments! I'm so glad the story is being read and enjoyed!!! Can't wait for season 8 whenever that may be.

Hailey was living between two worlds, in a twilight state not due to any medications given by any of the doctors or nurses working around her. She was mildly aware of her name being said, of limbs being moved and parts of her being poked. But she was just so tired, leaning more and more toward the darker side of the twilight.

Dr. Choi was checking the labs and monitoring Hailey’s vital signs. He’d just completed a physical, checking for bruising, masses, bites, anything that might account for the shock Hailey Upton was in now. He forced himself to stop for a moment, re-focus, and took in a deep breath.

A new slip of paper was handed to him. “Updated bloodwork.” April, one of the best nurses he knew, replied.

“All right she’s got low blood pressure and a declining red blood cell count…let’s check for blood in the belly, get a Doppler ultrasound set up and we’ll check her abdomen.”

“You sure you don’t want to get an abdominal ct scan?” April asked.

“No time.” Ethan replied. The nurses got to work and within a minute Dr.Choi was holding the wand over her exposed skin. Slowly he moved it around, checking the screen the images projected on and noting the colors. “Right there!” he stopped where the color showing a mass of pooled blood was displayed on the screen. "Ok, so we’ve got blood in the belly, now let’s find out why.” He paused for a second. “Dip a urine and run a pregnancy test. Let me know the hcg level and tell them we need it fast.” He turned back to April. “No history given correct?” he asked. She ran through the notes transferred over from the paramedics and confirmed that the history they had showed unremarkable except for the details surrounding tonight’s event. In other words, no information.

“Swap out the Doppler ultrasound for the one from ob.” He commanded. It was done quickly and again he waved a wand on Hailey’s abdomen focusing it on first her left side then the right. “Here we go. Right side, ruptured fallopian tube.” He looked up. “Ectopic pregnancy with a slow leak. She’s bleeding internally, call Dr.Asher down here and let’s get her into surgery…”

Will had found a perch by the nurses station in the Emergency Department. He wasn’t directly involved in the case going on 4 rooms over but he had hoped to glean information from the nurses where he could. Unfortunately for him, April was the nurse in charge and there was no information to be gleaned. She ran things tightly. Movement and voices from his left made him change position and he watched with worry as Hailey was moved out of her room and taken farther down the hall, toward the bank of elevators, doctors and nurses surrounding her bed as they moved. A moment later a slow walking Ethan emerged from the room and came toward him.

“Hey,” Will stood straight. “What’s the word?”

Ethan grimaced. “You know I can’t talk to you about this.” He sighed. “She didn’t have an ‘in case of emergency’ listed anywhere—do you know who she’d want?”

“For decisions?” Will asked cautiously. That was not something he would burden Jay with.

“Hopefully not…right now just for updates. I heard there was a crew in the waiting room.”

_For updates, yeah._ Will thought _For updates._ “Yeah, I have a name for you.”

As Ethan walked in to the waiting room everyone stood. “Hi everyone, listen I know you’d all like to know what’s going on but right now I just need to speak to Jay.” He made eye contact with the man who looked depleted. Sometimes the lack of information was worse than the actual facts. In this case though, Ethan wasn’t so sure. “Can you come with me?”

Jay followed him out and in to one of the treatment rooms. “Um..” he had trouble finding his voice. “Where’s Hailey?” He was terrified of one of the answers.

“Detective, right now she’s stable but she was taken upstairs for emergency surgery.”

“ ** _Surgery?_** This isn’t making any sense, surgery _for what_?” He rubbed at his face.

Ethan paused for a moment, wanting to tread lightly. He flattened his lips in to a straight line and then spoke. “Did she…Did you know that Hailey was pregnant?”

Jay’s face lost all traces of emotion and he squinted a bit at the doctor. “What did you say?” he asked quietly. He was sure he heard wrong.

Ethan repeated, calmly. “Did Hailey tell you she was pregnant? 

Jay’s thoughts were swirling, battling each other, and his face showed the struggle as he fought to comprehend. He found a moment of clarity and put out a hand. “Wait a minute no, she was on, she had a, um..” he closed his eyes. “She had a—she _has_ an iud. She’d mentioned it as um, something that would work for years…so...no, she’s not preg…” he couldn’t even finish the word.

“Normally that’s true.” Ethan assured him. “But it can happen. Rarely, but it can. I’d be surprised if Hailey even knew, but I had to ask. It's called an ectopic pregnancy. The iud blocked the implantation from occurring where it should have, in the uterus, and instead it got ‘stuck’ for lack of a better word. These types of pregnancies don’t survive." He stopped for a moment to let that sink in. "With Hailey, the place where it stuck caused damage, what we call a slow leak or a slow bleed…she’s been bleeding internally probably for a few days now, maybe a week. Tonight, it ruptured, causing the syncope--fainting...and a lot more internal bleeding.”

“How did I not know?” Jay whispered.

“Did she ever seem dizzy or say she was?,… lightheaded?…any pain…?” Jay’s head snapped up as the images of her standing at her desk looking pained, the incident while they were chasing the armed robbery offenders…had there been anything else? He was racking his brain but coming up short. “Jay, again, if she did, she probably thought they were related to a number of different things. With that form of contraception it most likely didn’t even occur to her.”

Jay inhaled a deep, shaky breath. “She’ll be okay?”

Ethan hesitated for a second but Jay noticed. “I don’t know how the shock affected her or how much blood she’s lost…but she’s got great surgeons with her and she’s strong.” Ethan put a hand on his shoulder. “Listen, I’m around if you have any questions, and I’ll give you an update as soon as I hear anything at all. Do you want me to send anyone in? Or-there’s no one waiting for the room…if you want to be alone.”

Jay nodded, still living in the minutes past when he was hearing all of the information. He forced himself forward and blinked a few times, his brow furrowed. “Yeah, is Will still around?”

Ethan nodded. “I’ll send him in.”

As he exited, Jay stood up and walked over to the counter, his arms straight out against the edge, hunching his back as he leaned, letting it take his stress and weight. He heard footsteps enter but didn’t move.

“Hey,” Will said, quietly. He waited for Jay to acknowledge him or turn around but he didn't move. “He uh, wouldn’t tell me anything. Soo--…”

Jay turned around, wiping at his eyes. “This is crazy Will.” He leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms. “He said—he said Hailey was pregnant.” It came out as a loud whisper.

“Pregnant?” Will repeated. “Did you know?”

“Wha? _No_ …No. He said she may not have known either--but it wasn’t right and something ruptured and she’s been bleeding internally...” he trailed off.

Will was listening while his heart broke for his brother. “Ectopic?” he asked Jay. “Did he say it was an ectopic pregnancy?”

Jay nodded. “Yeah.”

Will closed his eyes and sighed.

“She’s in surgery now and…” he trailed off, looking so lost.

“Okay.” Will went to him. “So then we wait.” He reached out and pulled Jay in to a tight hug, as he prayed that Hailey would come through the surgery without problems. Jay needed a goddamn win and for his brother to have found the happiness Will saw on him earlier this evening only for it to be taken away…he couldn’t even think it. "We'll just wait."


	13. Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey is in surgery, Jay and co are in the waiting room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot begin to thank you all for the wonderful and supportive comments! I love and appreciate them ALL!
> 
> I don't own anything except the errors below, am no doctor (band aids confound me sometimes!).

Voight walked with purpose through the doors of the hospital and in to the ED waiting room. “What do we know?” he asked the small group who were sitting together.

“Nothing.” Replied Adam, with his chin on his fist, elbow on the chair arm.

“We’re still waiting Sarge,” Vanessa added, then her eyes widened a bit as she looked past her boss. “Jay!”

All heads turned toward him as he walked in.

Hands in his pockets he walked toward his friends. “Hey guys,” he greeted them solemnly.

Voight put a hand on Jay’s back as he walked up. “Jay, what’s the word?”

He took a deep breath. He’d had time to think about what to tell the group but even still he didn’t know how ready he was to talk about things in detail. With anyone.

“Um—Hailey’s in surgery. There was some…internal bleeding…”

“Oh my God!” Kim interjected softly, hands going to her face.

“How…?” Adam asked.

Jay looked for the right words. “She had…there was some kind of mass that she didn’t know about..and" He shrugged a bit. “It just all happened so fast tonight…She was fine, having drinks and next thing I know Will calls me over and we find her on the bathroom floor unconscious...” His voice was starting to waver.

“Here, sit down,” Kim moved over and guided Jay to the seat behind her.

Vanessa moved and sat beside him, Jay put a hand on her arm and tried to smile. 

Kim came over and sat on his other side. “Jay..um…I hope this isn’t a ridiculous question, “ she swallowed hard. “But you didn’t say and….” She turned in her chair to face him fully. “Hailey’s gonna be okay, right? The doctors said she’s gonna be ok?”

He wanted to say yes, to say absolutely. But the truth was that he didn’t know. Everything was new tonight and things felt incredibly off kilter, like he couldn’t trust in anything he thought.

“The doctors are good..” he trailed off, as Kim pulled him in for a hug.

“She’ll be okay….” She whispered into his ear. “She’ll do great….”

They waited another hour before Jay spoke to them again, standing. “Hey—guys, listen it’s late and…I’m gonna stay but you should probably go. Get some sleep. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything…Promise.”

It took a bit of convincing but they agreed to go, calling an uber to pick them up. One by one they hugged Jay and left him with words of encouragement. After a moment the only one left with Jay was Voight.

“Sarge, you can go too, really, it’s okay.” He motioned the way the others had gone.

“I know I can go, Jay.” He nodded, taking a seat again this time beside the one Jay had occupied. “But I’m staying. Hailey and I had a talk pretty recently, and--” he paused only briefly. “I know what she means to you.” He nodded at him, knowingly. “So if it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna stay.”

Having someone by him that knew about him and Hailey was like having an overwhelming wave of appreciation break over him. He crumbled a bit under it as he put his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face.

“She was pregnant, Sarge,” he whispered. Voight sat forward as well, listening. “It didn’t develop right and she ended up with internal bleeding, shock….”

“You knew?” Voight asked the obvious question.

Jay shook his head, “No. The doctor didn’t think she knew either.” Jay was visibly trying to keep his emotions in check and beginning to fail. “Tonight there was a rupture-- and the internal bleeding was…” he choked. Voight put a hand to his back in support.

He gave Jay a moment to collect himself before speaking. “Jay, if there’s something I learned in all the times I’ve sat in this room it’s to not get ahead of myself. I know you’re upset, and scared, and worried…but none of us knows what the doctor is gonna walk in here and say. So, sure, prepare yourself but don’t go so far down that road you can’t walk back. Because there’s nothing saying she’s not gonna pull through this just fine.”

Jay could only nod….and hope.

Another hour went by before Dr. Asher appeared in the doorway. “Detective?” she called softly. Jay stood and looked at Voight, motioning slightly that he could come and hear what the doctor had to say. Voight stayed a respectful few seconds behind, letting Jay take the lead but being there in case he needed support. He hoped he wouldn’t.

As Jay approached and stood before her, she gave him a small, cautious smile. “I’ll start with what you care about most—Hailey made it through the surgery with no problems.” Jay took a half step back, releasing the worried weight he’d been bearing. He shared a quick, relieved look with his boss as he continued to listen. “The fallopian tube did rupture but remarkably it was a pretty clean break and we were able to repair it. She can still have children in the future but…” she ramped up the kindness in her voice. “This pregnancy was never viable.”

Jay felt Hank’s hand on his shoulder as he nodded. “But Hailey’s ok? She’s gonna be ok?”

Dr. Asher nodded and smiled a bit brighter. “She should be 100% in no time—physically. Emotionally, you’ll have to wait and see. Women have different reactions to situations like these. She was moved from recovery in the PACU a little while ago and to a room. I spoke with her and updated her on everything that happened. It was a lot of information to take in…. Room 704, 7th floor.”

“Thank you,” Jay had never felt the meaning of those words as much as in this moment.

“Let me know if you have any questions. I’ll be up to check on her again later.”

The doctor took her leave as Jay turned to Voight, working out the relief he felt.

“Go on up,” Hank told him. “If we don’t see you tomorrow…” he let it hang, letting Jay know not to worry about it.

“Thanks, Sarge.”

“She’s a tough girl.”

Jay nodded in agreement as he and his boss started to walk. They left each other as Jay headed to the elevators and Hank to his car.


	14. Dealing with recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey's body recovers. But what about her heart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the amazing support and kind comments! So glad you're enjoying! Not sure how many more chapters. Maybe 10? I don't own anything having to do with pd. Sigh.

Jay could see Hailey in her room as he approached. She was laying on her back, head turned to the side, staring off. He slowed and swallowed hard for a brief moment before picking up the pace and stepping in to the doorway. He rapped a few times on the door.

“Hey,” he greeted.

She moved her head to see him enter. “Hey,” she tried to smile.

He grabbed the chair provided and pulled it beside her bed, taking her hand. “How’re you feeling?”

She shook her head slightly, eyes widening. “Sore…Confused…. “ She looked away. “Jay, I don’t know how this happened. I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t do that.” Her eyes returned to meet his. “You didn’t do anything. _We_ didn’t do anything. The doctor said it can happen. "

Hailey licked her lips slowly. “I feel like…” her mouth twitched. “I feel like I should’ve known…somehow…7 weeks….” Maybe she just didn’t have whatever it was that women were supposed to have, whatever it was that made them maternal.

“I’m just glad you’re ok,” he smiled at her.

“Yeah,” she went for a smile. “I’m okay.”

She wasn’t sure yet how much of a discussion she wanted to have about this. In general. With Jay. They’d known each other for years but had only crossed the threshold in to this newness relatively recently. There was no talk of future, of wants or expectations. They had a good thing going with looking ahead meant only to nights after work, and what the next day might bring. She knew she loved him. But past that everything was dark.

“Still with me?” she heard him ask and looked back to him. “Seems like you went somewhere there for a second…”

“Yeah,” she smiled, more effort and more success this time. “I’m right here.” She looked around the room and to the iv attached to the top of her hand. “I think I’m kind of stuck here for now.” She rolled her eyes a bit and leaned farther back in to the pillow behind her head.

“Well,” he pulled her free hand closer to him. “If you’re stuck here, then I’m stuck here with you.”

She scoffed. “Jay. This isn’t my first day. I know how you feel about hospitals.” she shook her head. “You don’t have to stay, really. Recovery is boring.”

He scoffed back at her in return. “I do hate hospitals, this is true,” he affirmed, teasing and smiling genuinely at her. “But I like being with you. And where you go, I go. Where you are, that’s where I am. That’s where I want to be.”

Tears stung her eyes and she closed them to keep them back. “Not fair,” she sighed. “I’m all doped up on medicine and hormones, and…if you’re gonna be that sweet I don’t think I can take it.”

He gave her a rueful shake of the head. “Well, you’re just gonna have to deal with it detective. Cuz I. ain’t. goin.’ anywhere.” He stood gently and leaned over her, stopping just short of his lips touching hers. “Hailey,” he whispered, seriously as he smoothed hair from her forehead and tucked a strand behind her ear. “I’d rather be with you here, then without you anywhere else.” He was one hundred percent truthful. The thought of anything happening to her, the threat of the earlier hours, it had unnerved him in a way he’d never felt before.

Hailey seemed to give in with the small sigh that left her. He smiled and kissed her tenderly before returning to his seat. “Now,” he leaned back. “Where’s the remote? There’s probably a golf tournament on somewhere..” He grinned.

She groaned. “Don’t make me laugh.”

“Golf is never a laughing matter,” he deadpanned.

“Mm kay,” she murmured, eyelids becoming heavy. “You go ‘head…” she murmured, and drifted off in to a iv drip and trauma induced sleep.

Hailey was in the hospital for three days before being released. She was up and walking around, off pain meds, and the shower that she’d taken had felt _amazing_. Jay had spent just about every available minute either by her side or texting her to check in. It was sweet, she thought, but there was something else, a feeling she could neither name nor shake. It lingered just beyond her reach.

She sat on her hospital bed, absently thumbing through apps on her phone when she heard footsteps approach and stop inside the room. She looked up, surprised to see a Halstead that wasn’t Jay.

“Hey, Will” she gave him a bright smile.

“Hailey,” he greeted. “You look good.”

“Well,” she deadpanned. “A good shower and actual clothes can take you pretty far..”

He chuckled as he approached. “Listen, I know this is a bit unorthodox, seeing as I’m not your admitting doctor but..Hannah…Dr.Asher and I are good friends and she had a scheduling conflict and…” He stopped. “Long story short, if it’s ok with you, I’m going to handle your discharge.”

She shook her head, not minding at all. “No, that’s great.” Jay had brought her a change of clothes and she was in them and felt ready to roll. The nurses had been in to verify her exiting vitals, check her incision site, review instructions on taking care of the stitches, and removed the last of her IVs.

Will quickly read through the notes on the iPad he carried with him. “All looks good,” he confirmed. “One last thing..”

Hailey looked to him expectantly.

He chose his words as both a doctor and the brother of the man who loved this woman. “Sometimes women who go through this may have a tough time.” He held up a hand. “Some don’t,” he amended quickly. “But, if you feel like you want to talk to someone, you know we have a lot of good doctors here.”

She accepted the paper he gave her and glanced at it. A list of counselors and psychologists, some generalized some specializing in family planning crises. She cocked an eyebrow. Family planning. That was exactly what she’d been trying to prevent.

Nevertheless, she smiled at Will as she looked back up at him. “Thanks for this. I’ll keep it in mind.”

“Okay,” he used a stylus to check a few boxes on the iPad and scribbled his signature. “Then you are allll..” He checked one last box with a flourish. “set. Good to go.” She stood, grabbing the small bag Jay had brought, and her phone. Will looked around. “Jay coming to pick you up?”

“No,” she shook her head. “He’s at work. But I’m good,” he assured him.

“Okay then,” he stood sideways so she could walk out. “Take care Hailey, and if you have any questions, you can call Dr.Asher…or if you want, me. If it’s not too weird.”

Hailey stopped for a second, taken aback. “Why would it be weird?”

 _Shit_. “I’m so sorry, I thought—Jay told me you two were..are…seeing each other?”

She just looked at him.

“Was…was I not supposed to know that?” he asked.

She answered after a second. “No. No, it’s fine. We just..um..we hadn’t really gotten around to ----telling people I guess.”

Will was obviously embarrassed so she came to his rescue. “Hey, no, no it’s fine,” she assured him. “Wasn’t a _secret_ \--we were just enjoying it being just us for a while, y’know? But it’s all good Will, really.”

Will exhaled loudly, and smiled. “Okay then.”

Hailey smiled back and began to walk out of the room. He watched her go, happy for his brother, hoping that this event wouldn’t be too big of a speedbump for them. He watched Hailey as she pushed the button for the elevator, and as the doors opened, watched her put the paper with the counseling information on it in the nearby trashcan. She stepped in to the elevator and was gone. Will’s brow furrowed for a moment before letting the moment go.

Downstairs Hailey took her phone out and thumbed the app for her uber again. One minute away. Not bad. As she was reviewing the car’s information a text popped up. Jay. _Just checking in. Let me know when you’re ready._ Hailey's mouth twitched for a moment while her thumb hovered over the _reply_ option textbox. She gave a small sigh and put the phone in her pocket as the uber rolled up.


	15. recovery begins at home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey's home and beginning to process her recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the fantastic support and comments. All medical info is completely made up. I don't own the characters. Higher rating for this chapter for sexual situations.

Hailey had been home for a few hours and was trying to convince herself that she was enjoying the silence. She was out of work for the next few days then on light duty for a few more after that. She was sore inside and out and tired. She’d been looking forward to coming home. To being home. But now that she was here, the silence was her company and she hated it. No sounds, no movement… no laughter, no Jay.

She sat at her kitchen island, hands clasped on the counter and absently rubbed a thumb against the skin on her other hand. Her phone gently pinged again. It had been doing so periodically since she’d gotten home, taking turns only with the ringing of incoming calls. She kept the phone face down so she didn’t have to see whose texts and calls she was ignoring. She knew who the majority would belong to. _Things had been going so well_ , she mused. She’d told him that she loved him. Had meant it. And now she didn’t know how to proceed. She felt frozen in place, like a deer in headlights. now he scared her. _They_ scared her. Them together.

“You’ll still be able to have children, Hailey,” Dr.Asher had told her. Having a family was the farthest thing from her mind. She didn’t want children. At least not now. Had taken precautions. And she’d still failed. 

A loud repeated sound roused her from her thoughts. The shadows were a bit longer now and she wondered if she’d dozed. Hailey rubbed her face as she registered the sound as pounding on her front door. She blinked a few times trying to clear her mind and walked to open it, finding an upset Jay Halstead on the other side of the doorway.

He was breathing hard, his eyes roaming over her, as he looked at her with a deeply intense stare. “First,” he controlled his voice. “Are you okay?”

He had every right to be upset. Her mouth remained closed as she exhaled through her nose and nodded. She stepped back as his anger rose, given permission now knowing that she was physically ok. He entered the house as she closed the door .

“What the hell Hailey?” he fumed. “I thought I was picking you up and I ask Will who tells me you’re already gone. That _I was working_?! And you don’t answer texts, phone calls. Jesus, Hailey half the unit has been trying to reach you, I’ve been trying..!”

She’s just standing there, she knows. Of course she feels badly. She didn’t mean to make anyone worry. But being around people, talking to anyone verbally or electronically was something she didn’t feel she could or wanted to do. She just wanted to be alone.

Jay has stopped yelling and is watching her, curious at her lack of reaction. Of any reaction really. “Are you sure you’re ok?” he asks again.

Hailey nods. “Yeah, I’m sure.” She assures him. Really she is, she thinks. It’s not a lie. She just doesn’t know exactly what to do with her fineness or how to step away from it and go back to her life.

“I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you,” she offers simply. “I just, I wanted to come home...I wanted to be alone.” She walks past him, through the kitchen and in to the living room.

He cocks an eyebrow at her back, and follows her. “Ohh-kay, well you could have said something.” he states the obvious and says it in a way that says that it should have been obvious to her as well.

Hailey swallows as she sits on the couch. “Would you have been ok with that?” she’s honestly curious. Maybe she should have just told him.

He sits beside her. She finds she doesn’t mind. She thought she’d be scared but she’s finding that she’s still calmed by his presence, warmed by his proximity. Maybe she’s not as scared of _them_ as she’d thought and is thrilled by it.

A mini smirk and he replies, “Probably not.” He rubs his temples. “I was scared Hailey. I don’t know what I thought but you weren’t answering and--”

She turned on the couch to face him better and put a hand on his chest. Warm. Solid. Strong. He turned to meet her, watching her. “I’m okay Jay.” She told him softly, moving her other hand to his chest, feeling the familiar beating of his heart through his shirt, and then using both hands to pull the sleeves of his jacket backward and down his arms. “I’m sorry I made you worry. Really. I am.” His jacket was behind him and Hailey’s hands were back on his chest, slowly making their way toward his shoulders, then behind his neck.

“Hailey,” he began, his head tilting slightly. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t slightly confused by her behavior, her actions. But the darkening of her eyes and the widening of her pupils was clear to him.

“I’m okay,” she repeated softly, as she moved forward to kiss him.

He kissed her back, sweetly before pulling back. “Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?”

“Does it matter? I’m telling you I’m fine.” Her voice was low and quiet as she moved again and began to nip at his jawline, then neck, finding the spot at the bottom of it where she could feel his pulse with her tongue as she flicked at it.

Jay closed his eyes, trying to decide if he should fight this and continue talking with her, or give in to the way she made his heart and body feel, and talk later. A small moan escaped from Hailey as Jay’s hands found the sides of her head and held her in place. That sound did him in as he plunged forward and kissed her hard, relishing in the realness of her in front of him and the feeling of her skin and hair and form beneath his hands.

Hailey had never been timid in the bedroom. She wasn’t afraid to take what she wanted, ask for what she desired or take charge when needed. So her intensity wasn’t entirely new or a surprise to Jay. He welcomed the normalcy of it, especially after the unknowns thrown at them over the past few days. He reciprocated her passion as they kissed, lips trailed, finding skin under clothing as hands dancing around body parts, pulling up shirts and feeling contentment at the feeling of touching the hidden skin.

“Rojas?” Hailey murmured as Jay was at her collarbone, snaking his way downward.

“Staying at Kim’s…” he got out, before sitting up to look her in the eye. “You’d know that if you’d checked your texts,” he told her smugly.

Hailey’s response was a smirk of her own then to cross her arms in front of her, pulling the hem of her shirt upward. She dropped it on the floor then reached behind her for the clasp of her bra.

Jay squinted for a second, taking her in. “Mm, mm,” he stopped her. “My job.” He watched her intently as a finger from each hand went to her shoulder and dipped under each strap. Slowly, he pulled each to the side until they fell away from her shoulders and down her arms. “C’mere” he whispered, pulling her on to his lap. He kissed her again, back to her collarbone and and neck as his hands wrapped behind her to easily undo the clasp. Her bra fell between them and he dipped his head to a breast. Hailey head fell backward as she closed her eyes in pleasure. Her hands went to his head and she carded her fingers through his hair as he pulled away and moved to the other.

This was what she needed, she realized. J _ay_. She was feeling the emptiness inside her fill in, her heart warming, and her love radiating for him. She pulled his shirt up and her hands went to work roaming his chest and back, dragging nails and feeling the goosebumps raise on him in return.

Jay’s own fingers came to either side of her waist and his eyes opened briefly to see the stitched site of the laparoscopic surgery that had been performed on her earlier in the week. Hailey felt his hesitation and met his eyes, telling him without words to keep going.

He would. He’d be gentle. Jay stood, standing Hailey on the floor in front of him as they continued kissing, tongues vying for purchase. Jay toed his shoes off and Hailey went to work on his belt, undoing it quickly followed by the unbuttoning and unzipping of his jeans, sliding them down, her hands gripping his ass. Now it was Jay’s turn to moan as his own hands felt for the waistband of the sweatpant joggers she wore. He pulled the material down easily, taking with it the underwear she wore underneath.

“Hailey,” he whispered her name, full of love and want and desire as he laid her back on the couch under him, continuing to worship her body with his touch and kisses.

Hailey was fully involved in her own explorations of his body, reaching down to feel him through boxers and doing what she could to rid him of them. She was fully on board with reigniting her heart and body with her love for Jay and feeling wonderful and normal and everything she’d felt with him these last weeks—until she felt his hips align with hers more and ready himself to enter her. And immediately she wasn’t sure what she was doing, knew she couldn’t do this. Wanted to but instinctively knew she couldn’t. Instead she moved herself to the floor while pushing Jay’s chest up so he was sitting again. He looked at her, curious, and she smiled at him, on her knees. She couldn’t give herself him to him, she realized. But she could still give. Her eyes never leaving his, she moved her head forward. Jay’s eyes closed as he felt the warmth of her mouth and tongue on him, working, her hands moving and his own pleasure mounting. “Hailey,” he breathed, warning her that he was close. But she didn’t stop and each time he opened his eyes he found hers on him. His hips stuttered until he was still and breathless. Hailey smiled at him when his eyes met hers this time as she reached for her shirt and slipped it on before slipping back beside him.

“Hmm,” he moaned lightly, happy as he rubbed her back. “That was…”

“Yeah?” She moved to kiss him again before standing and grabbing the rest of her clothes, stepping into them. “Kitchen?” she asked, wanting to know if he wanted anything.

His brain wasn’t working that coherently yet so she went in and grabbed some orange juice. She poured and put her back against the refrigerator. What just happened? she wondered. She was all in, wanted Jay, had been the one who initiated everything…until the moment had presented itself and she couldn’t. It had nothing to do with Jay, she realized. She was scared. In a flash of clarity she knew why she couldn’t allow that moment to happen. She was terrified of getting pregnant. She’d taken the proper precautions but that hadn’t worked. She didn’t want to be pregnant. She hadn’t envied Kim when she’d announced her pregnancy, had wondered how she was going to make it work. Hailey’s own childhood was filled with thoughts of ‘When I have kids I’ll never hit them… to “If I have kids I’ll never be so mean,” and finally to “I’m never having kids.” Coupled with her absolute love for her job the thoughts had never changed, had only solidified. The birth control she’d chosen worked best for her job, her lifestyle. She’d taken the precaution and it had failed. She’d failed.

“Oh God,” she whispered to herself as she stepped forward, bending forward over the island with her arms outstretched, juice glass in between her hands. The enormity washed over her in waves as she tried to push her way through it. It’s just today, she told herself. So soon after getting out of the hospital, getting preg—

The sounds of shuffling feet shifted her thoughts as they got louder. Jay entered the kitchen wearing just his jeans. One of her favorite looks on him. He smiled and pulled her toward him and she leaned her head on his chest, feeling his heart beneath her. She’d get over it, she told herself.

Jay’s lips met the crown of her head as he kissed it gently. “Not complaining,” he murmured into her hair, “at all. But that wasn’t what I was thinking of when I came over here.”

“No?” she pulled back and looked up at him. God, she really did love him. She gave him a genuine smile, feeling her heart fill. “Think of it as a bonus.” She snuggled back against him, relishing in the comfort she was finding.

“Really,” he reached for the juice glass she’d been drinking from on the counter and sipped above her. “I wanted to see how you were, what you needed.” He put the glass on the counter behind him, beside the refrigerator, rubbing a hand up and down her back. “I got that email and wasn’t sure….”

She looked up at him quizzically. His sassy look told her it was one of the things she’d ignored on her phone. Sighing, she pried herself away from and swiped her phone from the island. 4 voicemails, 9 missed calls, 17 texts, and 12 emails to her personal account. She opened her inbox and saw what she assumed was the one Jay was talking about. The one from Dr.Asher. It was to her and cc’d to Jay.

_Hailey,_

_I wanted to say I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to be with you today as you were discharged. I know Will Halstead went through the procedure of discharging you but I’d wanted to be able to talk with you about a few things as well. I’ve tried calling but haven’t been able to reach you. Hopefully you’re checking email more frequently._

_Please remember to honor and express your feelings. Your hormone levels are coming down and there’s a recalibration that will happen. Don’t worry if you experience mood swings, or are more tired than usual._

_Your incision site is small and will heal quickly. The damage on the inside will also heal. Your current IUD is still fully functional and in place. The likelihood of it failing again and you becoming pregnant is infantisimal. That being said, please let me know if you’d like to discuss other options for birth control._

_If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to call. I’m also attaching a list of counselors in case you’d like to talk to anyone about loss. What you went through was a traumatic experience. Many women find it helpful._

_Dr.Asher_

Hailey took in a deep breath and exhaled. She pushed the delete button and returned the phone face down to the island.

She looked to Jay. “I know it’s early but I’m pretty tired.”

“You good with that email?” He asked. “There was a lot of informa-“

She interrupted. “Yeah, I’m good. Just tired.”

He nodded, leaning back against the refrigerator, arms crossing at his chest.

“You staying?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m staying,” he assured her, quickly. He was somewhat surprised by the question.

She waited a moment then gave him a small smile. “Good.” She reached out her hand to him, and when he took it she gave it a small squeeze, as she pulled gently, leading him upstairs. All she wanted was a dreamless night of sleep with the comfort of Jay beside her.   
  



	16. Realizations and Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing chicago pd related belongs to me. No beta so errors are mine, alllll mine!

It was dark and they lay together in her bed. Hailey relished the feel of Jay beside her and gave a small contented sigh as she drifted toward sleep. Jay too was happy on his side of her bed though he wasn’t as able to completely unwind and give in to sleep.

His brain was on overdrive. After the whirlwind of the week followed up by the emotion of the day he was having difficulty leveling down. At work, he’d given all of the updates that he could without ever being specific. He and Hailey had yet to confirm they were even together though he realized it was probably one of the worst kept secrets in Chicago at this point. But there was something to be said for being honest with the team, telling them even if it was old news. Telling the unit Hailey had been pregnant just seemed like such a giant wave of information.

He thought back over the day. He’d been excited to get her out of the hospital and had gone in to work just after dawn to clear paperwork so that he could leave early, all the while chanting to himself _please don’t catch a case, please don’t catch a case…_ Somehow or other, the good people of Chicago heard his plea, and while Kim and Adam followed up on leads for their current case, and Rojas and Kevin closed theirs, he had been blissfully left alone to drink coffee, print and fill out forms, and write up incident reports in between. Every now and then his eyes would land on the empty desk in front of his and he’d imagine Hailey back in her seat. She’d be riding desk duty soon and then back out in the field not long after that. Either way she’d be back at work, sitting across from him, and that thought always made him smile.

Mid-afternoon he checked his phone _again_. Still no word from her but he remembered what it was like on discharge day from Med. She’d be busy meeting with doctors verifying she was on track to go home.

Still. He bit his lip a bit, pulled his phone back up in front of him, and shot off a quick text to Will. “Leaving soon to pick up Hailey. No problems heading home today, right?”

Almost immediately his phone lit up with a two-word response. _Call me_

Jay furrowed his brow as he pulled Will’s name from his contacts and pushed call.

Will answered before the first ring was complete. “Hey, listen I gotta make this quick but, Jay... Hailey’s already been discharged—left a little more than an hour ago.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jay’s confusion was obvious. “Will--no, I’m picking her up.”

“She said you were working but she had a ride covered…I’m sorry man, I didn’t know.”

Jay could practically hear the shrug of Will’s shoulders through the phone. “No, it’s fine,” he breathed. This wasn’t on Will. What was Hailey doing? “I’ll work it out, thanks.” He disconnected the call and fired off a text to Hailey. When she didn’t respond within the first minute he called and left a quiet-toned voiced mail. “Hey, I just spoke to Will and he said you’d already gone home... Call me.”

“Any of you hear from Hailey today?” Jay went for casual as he swiveled his chair and addressed the people in the bullpen. Vanessa reported that she had called twice and Kim said she’d texted and called but neither had heard back. Adam pulled out his phone and called but the call went unanswered on his end as well.

Short of running over to her apartment there was nothing else he could do.

His afternoon came slowly to an end with a flurry of still unanswered calls and texts to her, but now that he’d seconded in an easy interview with Kevin and his offender, he could start wrapping things up.

He’d only been at his desk for a few minutes with the last of the paperwork that would take his team members the next 3 hours to complete, when a shadow appeared over him. He looked up to find his boss peering at him as he leaned down on Jay’s desk with straight arms.

“You hear anything yet?”

He didn’t need to say Hailey’s name. Jay knew exactly who and what he was talking about. He flattened his lips for a second and shook his head. “No, nothing yet. But I’m just about done here and-“

“Go,” Voight interrupted. Jay’s surprised look prompted him to continue. “This can wait till tomorrow.” He glanced at the few papers on Jay’s desk.

His eyes still on his boss Jay nodded his thanks and grabbed his coat. Voight stepped back as Jay made his was around him and headed down the stairs.

Ruzek walked out of the break room with a cup of coffee, seeing Jay’s form as it disappeared down to the lobby level. “Everything okay Sarge?”

“I certainly hope so,” Voight answered cryptically before turning and walking back in to his office, leaving Adam to stand alone wondering if he’d missed something.

Jay had fought to remain controlled the entire ride to Hailey’s. He refused to get ahead of himself, to think the worst, and he was able to keep his fear and worry buried just beneath the surface as he knocked on her door repeatedly.

She’d answered and given him a relatively poor excuse for not letting him know she was leaving the hospital. But she looked so tired, so small, and had been through so much, that he let it go and shelved the topic of conversation for later. And then she was on him, kissing him, then under him and before him.

Now they lay in her bed in the earliest hours of the new day and he turned over on to his side, facing her. His eyes had adjusted to the dark room only mildly lit by street lights and the moon. They hadn’t been here long but long enough for Hailey’s eyes to close and take even, steady, soft breaths.

He watched her, realizing that he didn’t even remember how it had been before these kinds of nights existed for him. He knew there had been years’ worth of nights alone but being with Hailey for the past few months had nearly erased them. A small smile played across his face as he watched her, and used a finger to hook a tendril of her hair and move it behind her.

He loved her. Wholly. His brain agreed one hundred percent with his heart, he realized.

God, it was true. He knew he loved her, that was a no-brainer. But the realization that he was truly _in love_ with her was a bit overwhelming. Jay’s track record with women was less than stellar so along with the warm fuzzy feelings that came with new love came the fear that he could lose it. The thought of losing Hailey made his mind go numb. It was something he couldn’t even begin to process.

As he’d moved the hair away from her face, she’d recoiled just a bit, as if she knew he’d removed some sort of barrier. The movement drew his watch to her again and he saw the sheen of wetness around her eyes. His brow furrowed a bit as he watched her, noting her breathing, her curled up body facing his, her eyes remaining closed. Anyone else may have never noticed, but he did. She was too tight everywhere. Not asleep.

“Hey,” he whispered, calling her bluff. “Pretending to sleep? Not cool.” He cocked an eyebrow as she slowly opened her eyes to him.

“Sorry,” she grimaced. “Didn’t want to mess with you falling asleep,” she explained.

“Well,” he inhaled deeply. “That’s obviously not a problem tonight.”

“Penny for your thoughts?” she propped herself up an elbow.

“Nice try, Upton,” he snorted. “But I’d pay everything to know about this.” He used his thumb to wipe at the wetness around her eyes.

“Ahhh, Jay,” she breathed. “That’s not a very smart buy.” She rolled on to her back and he leaned farther forward toward her.

“Sorry,” she grimaced. “You’re supposed to be asleep.” She chided.

“My not sleeping isn’t the problem here, Hailey.” He replied as he licked his lip. “If we’re gonna make this work,” he motioned between them. “we’re gonna have to be honest with each other. And right now, you’re not. You’re hiding.” _Jesus, Jay_ , he thought to himself. _When the hell did you grow up?_

He watched her bite her lip, mull over his words.

Hailey did want this to work. Needed it to. But this was hard, in some ways completely out of the realm of her experience. Garrett she’d loved after his death, her way of honoring him. Adam she’d cared for. She’d never built something so strong, so solid, so meaningful, so alive, from the ground up like she had with Jay. She’d fight for it she knew, to the bone, but she first had to figure out how.

“Hailey, _talk to me_. _Please_.” It was both a whisper and a plea.

She sighed a bit, frustrated with herself and her inability to push forward. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

She was being truthful and she hoped he knew it, could see it. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and her feet hit the floor. She stayed that way, keeping her seated position with her back to Jay.

He moved over so that he was directly behind her, laying a hand on her back. “I want you to tell me what’s happening here, what you’re thinking,” he began rubbing her back. “I want you to talk to me and not lock it all up.”

The warmth from his hand on her back was seeping through her body, making the hard parts softer, more malleable.

She took a breath and held a hand over her eyes for just a brief moment. “Jay, I love you,” she began softly. “I really do.” She glanced at him over her shoulder and saw his smile. Even within the context of this conversation he loved hearing her say it.

“Don’t gotta be a detective to know there’s a ‘but’ coming…” he interjected, a small smirk replacing the smile.

Hailey tilted her head and turned her body so she was facing him again, sitting criss cross. “No,” she reassured him, shaking her head. “ _No buts_.” She was dead serious on that.

Jay’s body relaxed, unaware that he had tensed in the first place. “Okay, so what’s going on?”

He watched her jaw twitch as it clenched, as she looked for the words that would help him understand.

“I’m gonna ask you a question, Jay, and…,” she closed her eyes while saying the last part. “I’m not asking anything of you, just so you know that, I just--”

“Hailey, enough.” His firm but soft tone, the one he used when he meant something fully but wanted to work with her. He wasn’t going to let her ramble. “Just tell me.”

She spat it out fast, the words tumbling out as her brow furrowed slightly. “Do you think you want kids? Someday? I mean, do you see that for yourself?”

Yeah, that was a biggie, Jay agreed internally. He sat up straighter, moving back to rest against the headboard. “Uh-yeah,” he shrugged a bit. “I guess so.” He rubbed his face with a hand. “Hailey, I guess I don’t really think about it.” He admitted. For so long it had just been him, there wasn’t a need to think about the what ifs and the dreams he knew his friends had for their lives.

He reached for her hand and gently pulled her over so she sat beside him, her head against his shoulder, feeling his skin beneath her and his arm go around her with his hand finding a place at her waist.

She didn’t say anything at first, leaving Jay to wonder if he’d said the wrong thing. But then she spoke. “When I was at the hospital,” she began, quietly. “And the doctor told me I’d been pregnant…the whole idea just seemed so foreign.”

He felt her shift as she tried to gently pull away, keeping her eyes down. She knew she should be manning up, turning and looking him in the eye, but she didn’t want to see disappointment. She found she couldn’t move anymore as Jay’s grip had tightened at her waist, keeping her in place.

“Hey,” He turned toward her, his hand taking and holding her chin so that she had no choice but to look at him. “That seems pretty normal. It _was_ definitely a surprise.”

Even in the dark her eyes were clear and in them swam such troubled thoughts. “I feel like something must be completely wrong with me because…” she drifted off for a second, knowing the next words she spoke would give Jay a long hard look at who she was at her core. And she was so scared that he wouldn’t like who that was. “When they told me what had happened, that I _wasn’t_ pregnant anymore---“ her breath hitched as she tried to work through the emotions, and her voice came out as a broken whisper. “I was glad, Jay. I was _so glad_.”

It was quite an admission for someone who kept her feelings so tightly guarded. The fact that she trusted him with her vulnerability made Jay’s heart ache. He pulled her tighter against him so that she lay her head against his chest. Her hand met the skin at his torso and froze there. He wasn’t sure she was breathing she was so still.

Jay reached down a bit and kissed her head as he began to stroke her back. “What are you thinking, Hailey? That I’d judge you for that?”

She gave a small shudder as he continued.

“I don’t think it’s any secret that we weren’t planning for that.” He sighed. “And any choices that we may have had to make were decided for us.”

Her fingers began to dance slowly upon his chest, tracing simple lines and shapes. He’d said ‘we’ she noticed and her heart felt like part of a chain around it had snapped. 

“But Hailey, we’re in this together. I’m with you. All the way.”

Keeping her head down she kissed his chest, lovingly, tenderly.

Jay shifted as a thought hit hard. A realization that paled him and made him queasy. “Hailey?” his voice hitched as he questioned her. “Sit up for a sec…”

She did, watching him, confused as to his now near nervous demeanor.

“I just--” he began. “You don’t know…” he shook his head at her.

Hailey bit her lip as she listened.

Jay bent his head to her, a hand going behind her neck and holding her steady.

“I never told you,” he whispered, eyes blown wide. “And I’m so sorry for that,” tears made his eyes sparkle even in the darkened room.

“Jay, told me what?” she asked.

He just stared at her. “Hailey, I love you.” He said it as though it was the easiest and most obvious thing in the world. “I’m _in_ love with you. And the fact that I haven’t said it…I’m so sorry.”

Hailey hadn’t known how much she’d needed to hear that from him until she did. A smile formed as she bit back the emotional overload she was immediately under.

Jay helped her not have to speak by pulling her to him and kissing her solidly. Not tenderly, not sweetly, but instead with purpose, claiming her as his and letting her know in no uncertain terms that his heart belonged to her.

They both needed to breathe and as they broke apart Hailey burrowed tightly down beside him, her head in the crook of his neck. “We gotta make this work, Jay.” She said quietly as she looked back up to him.

He smiled, holding her tight against him. “Copy that.”


End file.
